May 30 2012

Face Off? Or Off his Face? “LSD 2.0” Heralds the Zombie Apocalypse (updates)

It’s 2012. The Zombie Apocalypse could be here any day. So what’s a Burner to do? Bite off another dude’s face, obviously.

You may have been sleeping under a tree this week, and not heard about this. A cannibal professed his love to his girlfriend, then ate a guys face, and when cops warned him off it, he growled at them, and went back to face-chomping.

A lot of crazy shit happens at Burning Man. The official Burning Man blog has a lot to say about embracing barbarianism, according to Them it’s not all peace and love at Burning Man. We’ve certainly seen all kinds of flaming Mad Max shit out on the Playa before. But still, this is going too far. What’s up with this guy? Is he a CIA experiment, a public alpha test, the fore-runner of the fore-told  Zombie Apocalypse? Is this yet another way you can get hurt at Burning Man?

His brother informs us, “it’s very uncharacteristic of him”. Of course. Most people’s family members would notice if their brother ate a live human face or two every day. Imagine if he were to say, “it’s very characteristic of him!”.  His victim/meal  had been living on the roof of a Zoo since last Thursday – most people don’t do that either. Most people don’t resist a “Jungle Outreach Team” sent to rein them in, and then live large with their homeboys on freeways. Europeans like a kiss on each cheek, this guy just had to go that little bit further…
Apparently, eating a tub full of “the new LSD” aka “Vanilla Sky” aka replacement for cocaine aka methadrone aka “Bath Salts“, might have caused this young chap’s minor aberration into cannibalism. Warning Burners: do not try this at home. Your face may get hot. If you do want to, the Bath Salts are on sale now. Luckily for everyone involved, including the faceless guy in a critical condition, Miami PD (Bad Boys!) popped his cap.
Anyway, a cautionary tale lies herein for any Burners. Protect your face! And drugs and bathing don’t mix.
Like something that could only come out of a zombie movie, his girlfriend defended his honor and said he was one of the better zombies, a nice, sweet, Bible brandishing Voodoo Haitian who deserves better than to be remembered this way. Ummm, maybe, except for the cannibalism and murder bit…oh and having to be tasered when he attacked his Mom in 2004.
It took no time for YouTube to start selling ads for animalistic behavior, superhuman strength, Doomsday Preppers, Assault Rifles, and the Zombie Apocalypse. This is not good…not good!

 

[updates 6/2/12

– apocalypse continues with another attack in Maryland

– Colombian drug “turns crime victims into zombies”

– Ugandan children get mysterious zombie disease

– other suspicious events around the time of the Miami face attack

– the spate of zombie attacks has warranted an official denial from the CDC – hmmm, just like in the movie Contagion

6/3/12

– the Daily Beast has created this handy map tracking the outbreak of zombie/cannibal attacks]