Bath Salts Zombie update: it was Reefer Madness that did it

The official explanation has come out about the face-eating Zombie killer (did he keep a journal? That would be a face book…)

The word is “MARIJUANA”. That’s right kiddies, do all the bath salts and meth you want, and you’ll be fine. But if you want to get so fucked up that you start eating a dude, go straight to the ganja, do not pass Go.

The much-anticipated toxicology report released by Miami-Dade Medical Examiner Dr. Bruce Hyma [Bruised Hymen? – Ed] found marijuana in Eugene’s system, something CBS4 News had previously reported, but no evidence of  any other street drugs, alcohol or prescription drugs, or any adulterants found in street drugs.

The report said this includes cocaine, LSD, amphetamines (Ecstasy, Meth and others), phencyclidine (PCP or Angel Dust), heroin, oxycodone, Xanax, synthetic marijuana (Spice), and many other similar compounds.

Hyma’s office specifically ruled out bath salts, a class of synthetic drugs that have been known to cause bizarre behavior and overheating of people who use them, two things that made some believe Eugene’s cannibalistic behavior could be blamed on the drugs.

Of course, there is always the possibility that somehow this random homeless crackhead, got a hold of the wrong stuff – drug technology so advanced, that the Coroner’s office in Miami (possibly the world capital of drugs) don’t even know about it:

“There is an almost infinite number of chemical substances out there that can trigger unusual behavior,” Bruce Goldberger, professor and director of toxicology at the University of Florida, told the Associated Press. “There are many of these synthetic drugs that we currently don’t have the methodology to test on, and that is not the fault of the toxicology lab. The challenge today for the toxicology lab is to stay on top of these new chemicals and develop methodologies for them, but it’s very difficult and very expensive. There is no one test or combination of tests that can detect every possible substance out there.”

No word on why people have been smoking marijuana for thousands of years, and cannibals have been eating each other for a long time too, but the two have never been linked together before. Was his weed laced with angel dust? Or was the dude just bat-shit crazy?

Never mind that there are more than a million medical marijuana patients in California alone. Maybe West Coast faces just aren’t so tasty? Forget the many scientifically proven medical benefits of marijuana, as opposed to the more shakey emerging field of Zombie Science. We have to prevent a Zombie Apocalypse at all costs, so that politicians can keep robbing us indefinitely into the future. Zombies don’t pay taxes! The Feds are looking out for us, Dear Leader Obama is shutting down all the pot clubs to save us! Weed is dangerous, it grows like a…well, weed. People can grow their own medicine at home, and avoid going to hospitals where people get sick…where’s the tax opportunity in that? “Hi we’re the Feds, we’re looking out for you, there is a 1 in a million chance that you might become a cannibal, so we’ve taken your medicine away just in case! Take 2 Percocet and thank us.”

Perhaps it’s time to take out that Zombie Insurance policy with ZAICO (the Zombie Apocalypse Insurance Company).

12 comments on “Bath Salts Zombie update: it was Reefer Madness that did it

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  9. I got an issue with your “Ten Major Health Benefits of Marijuana” graphic.

    About 30% of California medical marijuana patients use it for a psychiatric condition.

    The numbers from a survey by Dr. Tod Mikuriya of 3,000 California medical marijuana patients gives the following numbers: “10% for depression, 9% for PTSD, 5% for anxiety, 2% for bi-polar, and 2% for other psychiatric conditions.”

    • BTW, per this survey, psychiatric conditions are the 2nd largest demographic of medical marijuana patients in California. Pain, at about 60%, is the largest demographic.

  10. LOL! Nice one. I spent the day at Laguna Beach yesterday with some friends and everyone was coming up with Zombie jokes and puns. Hours of entertainment…”Bath Salt Creek Grill” was one of my favorites

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