Topekas News describe themselves as “a progressive voice for the Free Thinker”. What passes for “progressive” in Topeka, Kansas seems to be somewhat different from San Francisco, California, as well shall see from Hayland Bynum III’s words of wisdom:

The ethers of magic mint and cat dander clouding their minds, 1000s of college students descended into Sin City to attend the Burning Man Rave Festival, a giant indoor orgied-fest of liquid LSD, liquid marijuana and most terrifying, pregnancy.

Every year in the deserts of Las Vegas, college students receive secret invites to attend a rave party called The Burning Man.  On the surface, it may seem to be an innocent celebration of music and the ‘PLUR’, an acronym that makes parents shrug their shoulders in confusion and knowing college students to blush and smirk in abashed memories of spent passions.

The first thing to understand is this:  PLUR stands for Pleasure Lubing Untouched Rectals.  I know it is shocking and you may have heard PLUR stands for Peace, Love, Unity, Reefer, but that is all sadly not true.  At most raves across America, there is an area called a ‘moshed pit’ where the ground is saturated with liquid LSD and even worse liquid marijuana.  The ravers will roll around in the stuff and lick it off the floor, getting high and lucid all at once.  From there, it is only a matter of time before clothes are taken off, they are exploited and PLUR takes place.

With all the sloshing and rolling around to the weird electronica music that is popular this day and age, it is no wonder that raves yield a 70% pregnancy rate.   If you wonder why there are so many teen moms and college dropouts who go to Vegas, all the ravings that take place in the Burning Man Casino in the desert there are surely to blame.

I personally am too scared to go to Las Vegas and see it for myself, but I am told the Burning Man Casino looks like a giant N.A. with devil horns, and its body is actually a hotel.  The raves are usually held in a room called the Phallic Wonder, a rotating dome built right on the tip of the giant structures man thingy.

Satan’s personal concubines, cats, are also heavily present at these events.  The cats are gathered up from the streets and brought in, because the taxoplasmosis virus that naturally courses their veins is an aphrodisiac that increases the odds your college-aged son or daughter will deviate from morality and do the unthinkable.  And unlike all other animals, cats show affinity for shooting up on LSD and smack with the best of drug dealers.

If you have a son or daughter who have gone to a rave, statistics show that there is a 95% chance they lost their V-card.  They may not even remember it.

So all in all, keep your children away from Las Vegas and all these raves.  In my quick study of the EDM drug culture, all I can say is it is terrifying and I am so happy to know that my daughter at UCLA would never go to anything like this at all.  Amen.

This story builds on the solid anthropological treatise into religious ecstasy we shared recently. Perhaps there is something to this…after all, from the moment you arrive, you realize that Burning Man is structured on identifying virgins and initiating them with  rituals. You can go there as a virgin, but you’re guaranteed not to leave as one!