Festivals are, without question, the absolute worst fucking way to see live music. It’s always pouring with rain, you’re in the middle of some parking lot or field, you have to stand the distance of 52 football fields away from the stage, and the bands sound like they’re coming out of a 30-year-old boombox. But the worst part—worse than the £7 beers or the inevitable admission bracelet tanlines—is the people. Every single person who attends a music festival is a giant, raging asshole. And they all manage to fall into one of these categories…

 CHIEF FUCKFACE

This shithead did not get the memo issued over the last several years that the trend of incorporating a Native American war bonnet into your all-neon-and-sleeveless festival outfit pisses a lot of people off. But in his well-reasoned defense: “Chill out, bro!” Don’t worry though, he will treat it with the reverence the headdress signifies by leaving it on the floor of the parking lot on the way out.

THE FASHION BLOGGER

Photos via this goddamn fashion blog

This Pinterest-obsessed fashionista always has a great time at the summer’s hottest music festivals despite spending weeks laboring over an outfit that will be covered in sweat and beer and whatever the fuck neon glitter is being sprayed at people within 20 minutes. But as long as she can get some Instagrams likes out of it, she’s done her self-appointed pretend job for the day. She has really tied her accessories of a thousand jangly metal bracelets, gigantic heart-shaped sunglasses, flower crown, and strappy shoes together with her very tiny tattoo of an abstract shape like a triangle or some shit on her wrist which apparently is symbolic somehow. Oh and also, she thinks there was music going on or something?

THE PARTY PHOTOGRAPHER

via Flickr

Are you a young, attractive person having a good time? This guy would like to capture your young, attractive good time and then sell it to a company who targets your key demo in their #youth #brand #marketing. But don’t let the looming sense of corporate profiteering make you self-conscious about having fun with your fellow carefree millennials, er, friends. Smile!

 

THE FRAT BRO

This pop-collared-soon-to-be-shirtless douchestick used all his vacation days from his internetship at Virgin Active and has been hitting the gym all winter and is ready to rage to some Outkast! Most of the things he’s wearing are salmon-colored and he really, really, really wants you to know how much money he makes and/or how often he goes to the gym.

 

THE ATTENTION WHORE

Even in a sea of 30,000 people, this fuckwad just has to stand out. He’s got to have a “thing” to make everyone notice and remember him. Maybe he’s wearing the green man suit or is dressed like Alan from The Hangover. Fuck this guy. He thrives on high fives. Do not give them to him.

 Read the rest here.