[We’ve been copping a bit of flak recently in some online comments, for being crusty old vets who are overly negative on Burning Man, compared to the dewy-eyed Virgins and wannabes. Not true – at Burners.Me, we all love Burning Man, that’s why we write about it. Loving Burning Man is not the same as loving the company that owns and operates it, this party is unique in that it is created by the audience, not the ticket-sellers. This isn’t a marriage – we’re free to criticize any aspect of the party or BMOrg we don’t like. You are too, and you’re free to disagree with us. As eloquently as you choose. “Freedom of Speach”, as Burner Crystal aka Nezgod calls it. Anyway, in the face of all this criticism against us for too much negativity, Burners.Me is happy to bring you this guest post from Whatsblem the Pro…]
Why don’t vets want you to go to Burning Man? Isn’t it a place of radical acceptance where all are welcome?
Yes and no.
Burning Man isn’t just an annual party, it’s a year-round culture. That culture has to be successfully transmitted to new people in order to survive, so of course new people are welcome. Unfortunately, the maximum allowable population of Black Rock City is finite, while the word-of-mouth about the event is more like a geometric progression. If the influx of new people overwhelms the vets’ ability to transmit the culture to them, the culture will perish along with an inordinately large number of dehydrated first-timers, and Burning Man will indeed become just another party (some say this has already happened).
We got a taste of that problem in 2012, when the ratio of fresh new burners to old hands threatened to become completely unmanageable due to the ticket lottery. Steps were taken to adjust that ratio, and in February of that year Marian Goodell wrote on the Burning Man blog:
“There are indications that a large percentage of people attending Burning Man this year will be first-time Burners. As eager as we are to welcome our newest citizens into our community, it’s crucially important that we have a solid foundation of veteran Burners in Black Rock City to meet, greet and acculturate these eager new participants, ensuring that they not only survive the elements but also fully participate in the Burning Man culture.”
In the interests of preserving a healthy ratio of new burners to veterans, here are ten good reasons why Burning Man sucks and you don’t want to go:
1. It’s dangerous.
2. It’s dirty.
3. It takes a lot of hard work in a dangerous, dirty environment.
4. You might end up in trouble with the law.
5. It’ll ruin your relationship.
6. People at Burning Man can be really mean!
It’s true. “Fuck Yer Day” is an oft-heard phrase in Black Rock. Burning Man is not based on anyone’s notions of peace ‘n’ love, and radical acceptance doesn’t mean everyone has to like you, or even pretend to like you. If that bothers you, better drink more water (or maybe just go somewhere else). You have to prepare properly, and show that you’ve received enough of the culture to be some kind of asset and not just a tourist, or you’ll run the risk of being openly mocked and derided by the burners around you (or worse, DPW) for your inevitable massive faux pas. Bellying up to the Black Hole bar and loudly demanding service and a cup, for instance.
7. It’s expensive.
On a per-day basis that includes your ticket and your food and other basic supplies for a week on the playa, Burning Man really isn’t that expensive, and in fact would be quite a good vacation value if those were the only expenses you might incur. However, if all you’re doing is surviving and spectating, then you’re doin’ it wrong, jack. Being a part of it all is essential, and that takes a lot of hard work and maybe quite a lot of money, which needs to be factored into the cost as well. Plus, as you get involved, your participation will rapidly begin to demand more than just a week out of your year. Even if that’s all the time you actually spend on the playa, be prepared to find your burn preparations annexing your leisure time – year ’round – like Hitler pouncing on the Sudetenland.
8. It will make employers think you’re weird and on drugs.
Granted, this can actually work in your favor if the person making the hiring and firing decisions is either a burner, or is weird and on drugs, or both. Your strategy would best be determined by your intended profession; it’s probably not going to be an issue if you want to work in a piercing parlor, medical cannabis dispensary, or fetish webcam modeling agency, but it might put a damper on your work if you teach at a Mormon high school.
Seriously. People who work at other festivals, people who work on road tours with major musical acts, people who are major musical acts, people who are at festivals all the time and don’t even get much out of them anymore aside from a paycheck. . . those people go to Burning Man to unwind. It’s not like other festivals and it will make every unrelated event you attend seem like a delicious dish with some vital ingredient missing.
10. This list of reasons isn’t a joke.
OK, sure, it’s a bit meta, but it’s an important point. A lot of people hear about the conditions that prevail out on the playa, and fail to appreciate the sheer severity of it all. Maybe they think their friends are exaggerating, engaging in hyperbole, or just plain joking. The fact is that the playa is a howling wilderness that will make you monstrously uncomfortable if you’re not prepared, could change your life in ways you haven’t anticipated and aren’t ready for, and just might maim you or kill you deader than a very dead thing.
DON’T GO TO BURNING MAN.