10 Terrible Secrets Behind Burning Man

At the end of every summer, a secret cult gathers in an obscure corner of the Nevada desert. They’re young, they’re old, they’re from nations across the world. They say they’re celebrating artistic creativity and old-fashioned self-reliance. Maybe they’re even planting a seed that could change our culture forever… Yet what really happens behind those 6-foot high gates and armies of security guards? Does this scene pose a clear and present danger to America’s youths? Why does this celebration of sodomy and socialism look so much like the worst of End Times Bible prophecy?

1. “Creativity” is a Codeword for Sex
We often think of “artists” as sleazy manipulators and nowhere is this more true than at Burning Man, where so-called painters, photographers, sculptors and poets prowl for fresh young flesh to use in their degenerate projects that no one in the real world would ever notice.

2. “Environmentalism” Means Composting Your Own Shit By Hand
Sorry for the coarse language, but these people are foul!

3. Fires Attract Slutty Women 
A burning fire excites a woman’s natural irrationality. Hypnotized by the bright flashes of color, she will confuse her emotional neediness with lust. The licking flames and the mounting heat become a call to action in the feminine mind, a call that she will recklessly follow into the darkness and lick and mount with delirious intent until the early dawn.

4. The Only Thing Communal is the Pubic Lice Population 
Does this really need any further explanation?

5. I’ll Pass on the Free Massage, Thanks 
Where else can you find tender young men freely giving themselves over to hot oils and the curious, calloused hands of a guy who looks like Jeff Lebowski?

6. If Cyclists Ruled the World We’d All Be Screwed 
People who worship their shiny bicycles more than human contact are a cause of great concern in our society. Yet at Burning Man, these freakish, militant outcasts are given free reign to explore the fantasy of a public transportation infrastructure based solely on sweaty hippies. Is it any wonder the whole thing collapses after only one week?

7. “Radical Self Reliance” = Getting Stoned for 168 Hours Straight 
Rich white kids alone in nature with no school, work or parents? What do you expect!

8. The “Temple” Offers Bargain-Bin Spirituality for Those Too Cheap to Attend Church
Why invest time and effort into your eternal soul when some shirtless accountant from Duluth can sum up human existence in just five hours of bong hits and hacky sack while feeling up your girlfriend’s leg?

9. Sodomy 
“Exploring My Sensual Side” means getting pounded in a Port o’ Potty by some gamer geek dressed up as Avatar. With the door open. And a 30-minute line.

10. The Burning of Burning Man Represents the American Phallus 
By promoting environmentalism, artistic creativity and wanton female sexuality, Burning Man is attempting to castrate masculinity from American culture. The giant flaming effigy that closes the event symbolizes a new internal fire ignited within each and every person. Indeed, most will come to understand that this fiery sensation is actually the clap, one of the most memorable secrets that attendees take home with them from the Burning Man experience.