10 Terrible Secrets Behind Burning Man

Over at Harddawn.com – “Because Morning in America Won’t Be Easy” – Stephenson Billings has written a post entitled “10 Terrible Secrets Behind the Burning Man Festival That Sodomites and Socialists Don’t Want You to Know”. Re-posted here to amuse, not preach…


Posted on Aug 12, 2012 – 12:45am by Stephenson Billings

hellAt the end of every summer, a secret cult gathers in an obscure corner of the Nevada desert. They’re young, they’re old, they’re from nations across the world. They say they’re celebrating artistic creativity and old-fashioned self-reliance. Maybe they’re even planting a seed that could change our culture forever… Yet what really happens behind those 6-foot high gates and armies of security guards? Does this scene pose a clear and present danger to America’s youths? Why does this celebration of sodomy and socialism look so much like the worst of End Times Bible prophecy?

1. “Creativity” is a Codeword for Sex
We often think of “artists” as sleazy manipulators and nowhere is this more true than at Burning Man, where so-called painters, photographers, sculptors and poets prowl for fresh young flesh to use in their degenerate projects that no one in the real world would ever notice.

2. “Environmentalism” Means Composting Your Own Shit By Hand
Sorry for the coarse language, but these people are foul!

3. Fires Attract Slutty Women 
A burning fire excites a woman’s natural irrationality. Hypnotized by the bright flashes of color, she will confuse her emotional neediness with lust. The licking flames and the mounting heat become a call to action in the feminine mind, a call that she will recklessly follow into the darkness and lick and mount with delirious intent until the early dawn.

4. The Only Thing Communal is the Pubic Lice Population 
Does this really need any further explanation?

5. I’ll Pass on the Free Massage, Thanks 
Where else can you find tender young men freely giving themselves over to hot oils and the curious, calloused hands of a guy who looks like Jeff Lebowski?

6. If Cyclists Ruled the World We’d All Be Screwed 
People who worship their shiny bicycles more than human contact are a cause of great concern in our society. Yet at Burning Man, these freakish, militant outcasts are given free reign to explore the fantasy of a public transportation infrastructure based solely on sweaty hippies. Is it any wonder the whole thing collapses after only one week?

satanic7. “Radical Self Reliance” = Getting Stoned for 168 Hours Straight 
Rich white kids alone in nature with no school, work or parents? What do you expect!

8. The “Temple” Offers Bargain-Bin Spirituality for Those Too Cheap to Attend Church
Why invest time and effort into your eternal soul when some shirtless accountant from Duluth can sum up human existence in just five hours of bong hits and hacky sack while feeling up your girlfriend’s leg?

9. Sodomy 
“Exploring My Sensual Side” means getting pounded in a Port o’ Potty by some gamer geek dressed up as Avatar. With the door open. And a 30-minute line.

10. The Burning of Burning Man Represents the American Phallus 
By promoting environmentalism, artistic creativity and wanton female sexuality, Burning Man is attempting to castrate masculinity from American culture. The giant flaming effigy that closes the event symbolizes a new internal fire ignited within each and every person. Indeed, most will come to understand that this fiery sensation is actually the clap, one of the most memorable secrets that attendees take home with them from the Burning Man experience.

50 comments on “10 Terrible Secrets Behind Burning Man

  1. Pingback: Liquid Raving in the Casino Moshpit | Burners.Me: Me, Burners and The Man

  2. haha this is funny. I like the one about how the “licking flames arouse women to lick and ride you til’ the morning” this is funny. I think anyone who’s afraid burning man actually is these things and that its bad at all is gonna be offended. I just think its a good joke. I mean just the fact that a pentagram on fire is the picture is hilarious. Don’t be too stiff guys. Relax and laugh with the man who wrote this.

  3. Larry or someone like Larry did this to attract more attention,,, It is sort of beyond belief. So maybe now 10,000 more fun people will be coming to see if it is really like this. Sorry people are too smart to have bong hits any more in public. It is obvious that this person is having their own bong hits somewhere in the temple or something while having a good time alone in the port o potty.

  4. Let’s see how long this stays up…

    An old-schooler answers your questions:

    1) Yeah. So?

    2) Only when the PortaPotties overflow, so… yeah. Bring rubber gloves.

    3) Oh, HELL YEAH!!

    4) Choose your camp mates wisely.

    5) You say that like it’s a bad thing. Bring an old futon and a jar of coconut oil and maybe you’ll get lucky!

    6) And we’re not already?

    7) If you wake up in somebody’s car in the exit traffic jam in mostly one piece, that’s pretty damn radically self reliant!

    8) When was the last time you got to burn down your church?

    9) What ever puffs up your dress, big boy.

    10) Several hundred thousand dollars of perfectly good lumber representing a huge phallus (America!), set on fire for no good reason (America!!), dumping a huge amount of carbon pollution in the air (Holy shit, America!!!), creating an enormous mess (America!!! America!!!), left for someone else to clean up (AMERICA!!!!)!!! Yup.

  5. I responded to this guy on his terrible website: Your “10 Terrible Secrets of Burning Man” article should actually be called “10 ignorant opinions from a racist, Christian fundamentalist hate monger”. You poor, sad little man. Why do you have to spread these lies and negativity? Where you not held enough as a child? Is your penis really, really small? It’s so obvious that you’ve never been to Burning Man. I actually had the good fortune to experience Burning Man and guess what? I met some of the most talented, beautiful, open, kind, happy and helpful people there. I have traveled all around the world and there is no place like Burning Man. Someone like you who judges people based on sexuality, race and religious belief would never understand an experience like Burning Man and guess what? It is not meant for you.

    • Are you high on crack, lady? Nowhere in this article do any of his opinions express racism, Christian fundamentalism or hate. It’s ironic that fanatics, like yourself, of this weird social phenomenon are actually more hateful, narrow minded and totalitarian than the people you condemn. I found his article humorous and completely inoffensive. If the Burning Mn event has any feminist freaks as yourself I would certainly avoid it. But I read other comments from participants who appreciated his observant review. It was refreshing and provided a thorough overview of what newcomers can expect. So if you want to cloak your OWN HATRED under the guise of Social Justice, Equality, and homosexuality, perhaps you can take a hard look at yourself and see if you are up to snuff to partake in this tradition of “Openness, Free love, Good will and tolerance” which YOU obviously don’t possess.
      Go back home and try to solve your daddy issues or whatever screwed up past you have, because the underlying message of Burning Man did not work for you.

  6. Dudes/ladies (that are all pissed off)…..

    Name of the site: HardDawn.com (read that out loud to yourself just once)

    Author’s bio/description: “Dr. Stephenson Billings is an award-winning Investigative Journalist, Motivational Children’s Party Entertainer and Antique Soda Bottle Collector all in one special, blessed package!”

  7. If something like this were serious, the writer would have to be working with a surprisingly low IQ for someone who is still capable of writing anything, or passing as semi-competent. Unless, of course, this is just a joke, in which case it is a less than moderately clever reflection of good old fashioned Christian/American stupidity, which has become so deeply rancid in itself, it is barely funny anymore. Either way, I don’t think many people are laughing to themselves at the utter ridiculousness of this poorly assembled dump of words. It simply is not funny enough to post, and doing so was not a very good decision.

    • You are coming off as one of those pretentious wanta be intellectuals. Look I used big words too !!

      Your actions as a person dictate your intelligence.

      How smart are you??

    • Oh I get it. You hate Christians and Christianity. That makes a chunk of nonsense. Provide me one phrase or word that resembles religion in this article and you might have half a brain. I thought this event was supposed to be a haven of love and acceptance of all types of people. But the irony is that deep down people like yourself are hateful, angry and deranged outcasts who have this aching need to express their resentment in the form of Pagan worship. And I’m sure you writhe in pain at the notion that Donald trump will be our POTUS. I will take a more Passive Aggressive approach to resentment in that nothing gives me more pleasure than to see someone like you depressed, because you din’t get your way.

  8. I am a Christian And I LOVE BURNERS AND BURNING MAN ! It is people like that who spred hatred through humanity And religion alike . Burning man gives you the chance to see the love and acceptance in the human race , that can be hard to find in the everyday world . Peace love music art

    • Starting a comment with “I am a Christian …” puts you and your comment already into a terrible corner of stupidity and superficiality. Why is it important to claim that? What do you want to submit to the reader with that statement? Do you want to tell us that you neglect all terrible things the christian church is going for (like currently: having lots of homosexual priests while being officially homophobic; going for childrape and rejecting the concerns of the United Nations on that / like in the middle ages: sucking money from all, even from the starving poorest, by telling you only come into heaven [if that even exists] if you give money to the church to redeem your screwed soul [read about Luther’s story may help to understand that]; the spanish inquisition / like when the bible came into existance: Read about Irenaeus of lyon who selected around the year 200 the 4 evangelical gospel for the new testament, while neglecting around 30 others (!!!) whose should be as well in the bible; Read about origen of alexandria who was head of the famous library of alexandria at around the same time and who learned Aramean to travel to Israel to go after all those Jesus stories to collect them and to write as well a bible in different languages .. he believed in reincarnation; which leads to the councils of nicaea (AD 325) and constantinople (AD 360, AD 381) where they deleted all stuff said by Jesus about reincarnation). I wish you good luck with all your beliefs, though 😉

      • You are in no position to criticize or judge someone based on their beliefs. You accuse others of the exact same things you condemn. If you are a Burning man participant I would be very repelled to know that people like you are there. You are just as repugnant as the people you condemn and perhaps worse. Besides the guy wasn’t targeting you and he presented himself with goodwill for all. But you are a hateful and repugnant scumbag. Years ago I would have referred to you as a Liberal Douchebag, but I wouldn’t call you that now. I would simply refer to you as a Douchebag.

  9. Pure Bullshit .. I take this as a fucking offense.. and I haven’t been to burning man but I am part of the culture and has been for 15 years.. to all the burners out there lets get to one if u haven’t so we can experience history because these people make it hard and harder for us to simply dress up freely make outfits “Creatively” and dance to a beautiful beat till the sun comes up and goes down …. Much <3 to all the burners out there electronic music lovers Creative souls and the best place to unleash ur wildest dreams… So who ever made this its a bunch of BS BS BS …

    • I actually think it’s pretty fucking funny. Porta-potty sex is just gross, though.

      Prism. Dude. Relax. It’s either a joke or the person is a right wing crazy. You’re the kind of tedious burner that I love to hate. Chill the fuck out and stop being such a dumb prick.

      Also, learn about punctuation. It’s your friend.

  10. I went to the original website, and I am embarrassed to admit that I cannot discern whether it is a parody site or not. Does any one here know? I feel like it has to be. If it isn’t, I am afraid. Very afraid.

  11. Truth is…because it was intended to be funny, it’s not really funny. If it were real, it would be a laugh riot. You know someone who can write:

    1. “Creativity” is a Codeword for Sex
    We often think of “artists” as sleazy manipulators and nowhere is this more true than at Burning Man, where so-called painters, photographers, sculptors and poets prowl for fresh young flesh to use in their degenerate projects that no one in the real world would ever notice.

    is too good a writer to be this stupid. Good try though

  12. Glad to know these. If someone is actually expecting this from burning man more power to them they will be extremely dissapointed. I’m still going.

  13. Anyone getting upset must not have read this from the top. It was specifically stated at the top ” Re-posted here to amuse, not preach…”

    • wow. You sure express tremendous tolerance and love for ALL fellow creatures.
      I guess Burning Man is reserved for the Hateful and degenerate scumbags who want to express love ONLY for Burning Man people. What an ugly irony I see here.

  14. Ok, I see. This is trolling masqueraded as parody. Fine. You win.

    The original title “10 Terrible Secrets Behind the Burning Man Festival That Sodomites and Socialists Don’t Want You to Know” would have made that more apparent.

  15. This is one of the most inflammatory and least accurate articles I’ve seen on Burning Man.

    ‘The “Temple” Offers Bargain-Bin Spirituality for Those Too Cheap to Attend Church’

    WTF? Not even worthy of a reply.

    Fuck burners.me.

    • AGREED! This page has taken a downright snarky & negative turn as of late. WTF is at the helm of this shit…er ship?! Im bailing out.

    • Guys, comeon, read the pre-text of the post at the top of the page. Clearly reposted here just to be amusing. Not written by burners.me.

      Seriously… chill out.

    • As I said above:

      “Ok, I see. This is trolling masqueraded as parody. Fine. You win.

      The original title “10 Terrible Secrets Behind the Burning Man Festival That Sodomites and Socialists Don’t Want You to Know” would have made that more apparent.”

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