Thanks to WhatsblemThePro for posting this gem on his Facebook – a guide to festival terminology written by an obviously jaded festival performer. Check out http://thejadedreview.com for more.
Taken from http://www.phidelity.com/
2012 – The year of the Dreamspell prophecy when we will ascend into our light-beings and become one with the cosmic galactic realm of the Gods and Goddesses….. errr some shit like that.
Astrology – A convenient system to shift responsibility for peoples’ fucked up choices.
Ascension – fear of death. fear of life. myths concocted for those too afraid to cope with the idea that there might not be a second chance at this.
Bad Vibes – Someone called you on your bullshit or didn’t give you what you wanted.
Babylon – The system that produced all the goods to facilitate your neo-bohemian life style choices.
Burningman – A huge art installation in the desert that many hippies have mistaken for a model of Utopian society which they attempt to recreate in their hometowns for the next 51 weeks. Ignoring the fact that everything about it is completely unsustainable.
Burner – Wears goggles anytime, anywhere.
Community Painting – A method to transform a perfectly good piece of wood and paint into the most hideous thing you’ve ever laid eyes on.
Chakras out of Alignment – I’m fucked up and looking for things to blame it on.
Cleansing – One of the most important steps in becoming condescending towards average people.
Come-unity – The first stage in a free for all bicker-fest; the main function of which is to water down any good ideas into something no one is happy with.
Cosmic – see: “Magical”
Dakini – Has a nicer ring to it than “slut”.
Dreamspell – A complete bastardization of an ancient wisdom which gave rise to yet another useless method of bullshit divination.
Ecstatic Dance – Flailing around arhythmically.
Elves – A subsection of hippies who took Elf Quest, Dark Crystal and JRR Tolkien way too far. (often will not associate with other sects of hippies unless properly dressed)
Enlightened – Does not in any way challenge your narrow view of the world.
Facilitate – Allow others to do.
Family – A circle of Hippie friends who are so far out on a fringe-tangent of fashion and ideology that they could never actually interact with any one’s real family.
Festival – A party; usually dressed up to have some kind of socio-political or spiritual significance. This of course has little impact on the number of bad trips, fights, and misuse of the land that takes place. Often doesn’t change anything but gives revelers the impression that it has.
Gifting – The act of dumping your useless crap on other people.
Gift Economy – two possible meanings – 1) Great until you end up with a bunch of “landfill fodder” from people who missed the point or 2) rich people giving away free drugs
Green Energy – A way to say “money” without acknowledging the fact that you need legal tender from the United States Treasury in order to live and function in society.
Green Festival – Any festival where the promoters made a half-assed attempt to rent biofuel generators and place recycle bins next to trash cans. They all become trash cans in the end.
Goddess – A worshipful term used for the highest echelon of female hippies by SNAGS and Spiritual Guides. Therefore the “goddess” is usually young, pretty, dreadlocked and impeccably dressed. The goddess however fully plays into the role and usually embodies a multi-dimensional stare, extremely rigid and controlled movement to give rise to the illusion they float on air and 100% fluent in galactic lingo. Don’t attempt to communicate with them if you don’t wish to be shot down with laser beams from their eyes
Goddess Worship – ogling or stalking goddesses.
Hater – Writers of this zine.
Healing – An adjective to make anything seem more profound than it really is. Don’t worry it won’t ‘actually’ heal you.
Holding Space – The art of actively doing nothing.
Holographic – Once you hear this word you know its a crockpot idea Unless of course one is talking about holograms.
Higher Purpose – Unemployment.
Jah Bless – If you are a white rasta the only time I want to hear you say Jah Bless is when someone asks your occupation. See: “Rasta”
Kind Brother – What you become when a hippie wants something from you.
Intentional- Covers a wide gamut of pretentious holier-than-thou bullshit; generally accompanies a gratuitous waste of your time.
Invoke – To shamelessly beg powers beyond your comprehension to do something.
Indigo Child – Screaming feral kid with nappy hair and no respect for their parents. Often has more festivals under their belt than you do.
Intergalactic – Taking place within the confines of the industrialized western society.
Light Being – The person you wish you could be but will never have the discipline to actually become.
Light Warrior – A particularly popular hippie.
Manifest – How the enlightened mooch from their friends.
Magical – Probably boring.
Massage Therapy – The best option for income without a higher education.
Mercury in Retrograde – Why you called your girlfriend a bitch last night.
“My Guru” – I am a chump – try to sucker me out of some money before everyone else gets it all.
Open Minded – Not able to entertain any opposing viewpoints.
Open Relationship – A fuck-buddy situation for anyone too selfish or immature for a real relationship.
Prayerformance – A sloppy bastardization of all tribal culture by half naked dread-locked girls with fire fingers and swords. (see: hippie cheerleaders)
Presence – Will stare you in the eyes for hours and touch you too often.
Rasta – One of the lower classes of hippie. Consists of white kids who love smoking pot, so they talk like a Jamaican Rastafarian – completely missing the point that the main precepts of Rastafarianism are about black people returning to pride, power and Africa.
Root Chakra – Yer junk
Saturn Return – The depression that comes in your late 20′s when you realize your life is going nowhere and you still don’t have any money.
Shakti Energy – Horny.
SNAG – Sensitive New Age Guy
Spiritual Guide – Middle age man who parlays his menial understanding of any unfounded new age spiritual practice to allow maximum opening of the root chakra (see: above) of young hippie women. (see also: SNAG)
Soulmate – Will be single again in 4 months.
Shaman – I do drugs.
Techno-Shaman – I do drugs with my ipod.
Teachers – People whom you emulate without going through the necessary life experiences to truly embody.
Trade – My talents aren’t good enough to make enough money to actually pay you.
Tribe – MySpace for hippies.
Unconditional Love – Open affection for anyone within your close knit group of like-minded and similarly-dressed friends.
Universal Love – What you feel when you’re always high.
Universal Truths – The narrow set of beliefs held by your circle of friends.
Visionary – Drug-induced.
Visionary Art – Lots of pretentious descriptions on art that looked alot better when high.
Wiccan/Pagan – Subscribing to a belief system to prove to everyone that you don’t subscribe to belief systems
Workshops – Kids on gas burning generators telling you that you should be living sustainably.
Worshipping the Goddess – Fucking.
Yoni – A fluffy name for pussy. She probably also thinks of her Yoni as a temple – your best bet to getting laid is to dress your penis in monks robes and burn some sage.
YoniVerse – A house where 3 or more goddesses live.