Why I’m Returning to Burning Man

Perspective on last year’s Cargo Cult from a newbie, who is excited to be returning this year

Tremendous Times

BRC from the Air Looking down on Black Rock City from a plane that I watched skydivers jump out of. NO BIG DEAL.

What is Burning Man like?

When I’d agreed last year to go and perform on the Playa with the burlesque troupe I’m in, I didn’t really know what I was getting into. I was thrilled to perform there, but other than that I had basically no knowledge about what Burning Man was (and is). I’d only ever just heard of it when I moved to San Francisco about three years ago, and all I really understood was that it was people camping in the desert.

As the months until the Burn whittled down, and then suddenly there were only weeks, and then days, I was actually dreading the trip there. I couldn’t admit it at the time, but I was pretty scared about going. 

Why? Because I had no idea what Burning…

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magic tribal hair

Who Nose Witch Assholes Are Going To Burning Man This Year?

Broke Ass-Stuart has a post on this very topic, which was actually written by Millionaire In Training Joe Kukura. If someone thinks Burning Man is training for how to be a millionaire, they could be studying for a long time. Money is verboten at the arts fest.

If you want to be a millionaire, “set thy purse to fattening” and start piling up the money. Partying for 8 days with the Louis XV Powdered Wig crew is expensive.

Here’s what a guy named Joe Kukura wrote at this other blog called Broke Ass Stuart:

http://brokeassstuart.com/blog/2014/07/30/which-famous-aholes-are-going-to-burning-man-this-year/

Which Famous A**holes are Going to Burning Man This Year?

bmanasshole_headerNot going to Burning Man 2014? Congratulations! You will avoid the risk of personally encountering these a**holes. Many prominent a**holes from news, tech and entertainment have already articulated via social media or public commentary that they are inclined to attend the Burning Man festival in 2014. These famous people going to Burning Man will task out all of their costume, lodging plans and food prep to their personal assistants, pay tens of thousands to show up as plug-and-play attendees, and then force their personal assistants to sit home and take a week’s unpaid leave while the famous asshole in question parties it up at Burning Man. Who are these assholes? Let’s review the 2014 roster as we currently know it.

Technically, there is no way to know for sure which of these famous assholes will attend Burning Man 2014 a full month out from the event’s opening. Life happens. People can articulate a desire to attend Burning Man, but then life events, surprise weddings or other commitments can alter anyone’s calendar. But from social media commentary, public remarks and general histories of “going every year no matter what”, we can somewhat-accurately game out which of these assholes you would run the serious risk of running into at Burning Man 2014.

diddyP. Diddy (2014 Status: Probably Going) – Diddy is such an asshole that hewent to Burning Man last year and then came home and did a Fiat commercial based on Burning Man. (He said of the event “I’ll never be the same” on his Instagram and has no public appearances scheduled during Burning Man 2014). I actually attended the very Robot Heart sunrise event at which Diddy was present. The music sucked so much that even old school 90s music produced by Diddy would have been better.

I would rather hear Diddy at a party where Diddy was not there rather than not hear Diddy at a party where Diddy was there. But I’m probably the only person on earth who feels that way.

Sounds kind of trippy to me.

This guy:

Grover_NorquistGrover Norquist (2014 Status: Definitely Going) – Americans for Tax Reform president and asshole Republican lobbyist Grover Norquist said on Twitter Monday that he was attending Burning Man 2014. “Its official. Samah and I are off to “Burning Man” this year. Scratch one from the Bucket List”,Norquist tweeted. (Scare quotes around the event name? Asshole.) This will surely lead to a rash of conservative asshole analysis that interest in Burning Man correlates with a resurgence of interest in states’ rights, decreased regulation and resentment against the federal BLM.

‘Naked drug unicorn fuck-rave signals a return to core Republican values’. I bet you anything some conservative asshole actually writes that article within the next month.

LOL! That’s pretty funny.

Black Rock City, Nevada. Temporary Autonomous Tax Free Zone:

Mark Zuckerberg, Founder & CEO of Facebook, at the press confereMark Zuckerberg (2014 Status: Probably Going) – Asshole Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg made a cameo last year at Burning Man as well as the year before. It’s a fair bet that one of his wealthy asshole employees will badger him into briefly helicoptering in to Burning Man again in 2014. Also of note, the Ivy League assholes who sued claiming they invented Facebook were at Burning Man last year.

Google CEOs (2014 Status: Definitely Going) – These assholes are fresh off paying almost zero taxes on $22 billion in revenue. Oh, I’m sure they and Grover Norquist will have a good laugh over at that one out at Dustfish.

Current Google CEO Larry Page religiously attends Burning Man, as does co-founder Sergey Brin and former CEO Eric Schmidt. Expect to see all three assholes at Burning Man 2014.

Now we get a bit of RV-hating from the Broke Ass crew to mix the assholings up a bit:

xtranormalElon Musk (2014 Status: Maybe Going) – Tesla founder and CEO Elon Musk does not strike me as an asshole. But considering that he rents out 8 full-service RVs for his best friends and top salespeople at Burning Man, it’s reasonable to assume that the asshole-to-muggle ratio in that scenario is just off the charts.

The Versace Inheritees (2014 Status: Maybe Going) – Gazillionaire inheritee Francesca Versace is a burner, according to Du Jour, as are other born-on-third-base assholes Alexandra von Furstenberg and David de Rothschild.

David de Rothschild aka“Plastic Jesus” (is that his Playa name?) did at least sail across the Pacific on a raft made of plastic to raise awareness of the “trash islands” that are forming from our consumerist society leaving traces. He also tasted crack before coffee.

Next Catwoman draws the ire of the author, who’s more of a Star Wars fan:

hathawayAnne Hathaway (2014 Status: Probably Going) – Or as I call her, “Bitchy McDistant”. Ms. Hathaway flies into Burning Man on a private jet most years, and was spotted doing so again just this past year.

Is it unfair of me to call Anne Hathaway an asshole? I just don’t like her, based on some vague, personal subjective reasoning that I am not deep enough to explore therapeutically. Which brings us to our next asshole going to Burning Man…

 

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And now, for the climax – the asshole di tutti assholi…

Me (2014 Status: Definitely Going) – I’m that asshole who calls other people assholes for going to Burning Man. I’m not even a famous asshole. These famous assholes, admittedly, are some of the most creative and motivated people alive. They don’t have time to build their own cupcake muffin carsbecause they’re busy and they generally have more important things to do. But I will squat alongside them on federally managed lands for a week and have “Star Wars”-themed parties together, and in a way that’s kind of a beautiful thing.

But it will probably be a more beautiful thing for you if you can avoid me and these assholes.

Read more at Broke Ass Stuart.

He cleverly places himself amongst the assholes, squatting, with his pitch of “radical togetherness of assholes”. Why the nose? Now we know.

Being famous doesn’t make you an asshole, but calling people you’ve never met assholes kind of does. Welcome to The Inclusion of The Radicals.

 

OMG Now Lottery? More Vehicle Passes

If you want to enter the OMG sale, for the 1000 3000 unknown number of tickets that are still on sale from the “sold out” event:  registration starts at noon tomorrow. Don’t worry about getting there at 12:01 or 12:07, because according to BMOrg they have abandoned the “first come first serve” idea, which was used to trick Burners into waiting for months in STEP. So, since FCFS is gone, are we back to a ticket lottery now?

From Burning Man’s Facebook group:

Heads up… there’s no need to rush to the servers for the OMG sale registration. The registration process is not first-come first-served. Exactly when you register during the registration period (Thursday, July 31, 12pm (noon) PDT through Monday, August 4 at 12pm (noon) PDT) will have no impact on gaining access to the sale. So there ya go. 

Heads up your asses.

On that fateful visit to the supermarket, it was Tongue's misstep that would lead to a fall, a lawsuit, and an eventual catch-phrase.Their statement seems to me to be very misleading. When you register has a huge impact on gaining access to the sale, not “no impact”. You have to register again during their window, even if you’ve created a Burner profile and registered for STEP already…or you won’t be able to get access to the sale at all. The sale starts on Wednesday August 6 at noon Pacific. So if “first come first served” doesn’t apply, how does one get a ticket? You need to be pre-registered, and get to the servers as close to 12:00:00 as you can on Wednesday. The tickets will be sold to whoever gets there first, so although “the registration process is not first-come first-served”, as far as we can tell the OMG sale that the registration process gets you into still is.

Why do we have to register at all? Why can’t they just open tickets for sale to anyone who wants them next Wednesday? “Because, reasons”. Perhaps it has to do with that little question they ask during this bizarrely convoluted process: “how many times have you been to Burning Man before?” Statistically, you have a much better chance of getting tickets if you answer 0 to this, than any other number. Pro tip: there is nothing in the Tin Principles or Survival Guide about honesty or truth.

If you don’t have a Vehicle Pass yet, don’t worry – you can log into OMG to get more, even if you don’t want to buy tickets.

Did you purchase a Burning Man ticket already, but still need a Vehicle Pass? You can buy one in the upcoming OMG Sale. Follow the instructions on the OMG Sale registration page (in Burner Profiles) once registration is live, between Thursday, July 31, 12pm (noon) PDT and Monday, August 4 at 12pm (noon) PDT. http://profiles.burningman.com/

More vehicle passes? I thought we were doing this to reduce traffic and help the environment? Sadly, the number of vehicle passes initially announced was about the same as the number of cars last year, so from the start there was no way the system could’ve reduced traffic. A few weeks out from the event, and whaddya know, there are still plenty more available to anyone who wants one – as we predicted in January.

It seems the twin objectives of “new tax” and “new scalper opportunity for insiders” were well met by the Vehicle Pass idea, with a bonus of being able to say to the authorities “we’ve taken measures to address the issue of traffic on the roads” while pleading for 100,000 population.

Oh. My. Greed.