Click here for all 11 at Vice, we picked our Top 5:
re-blogged from vice.com
THE 11 TYPES OF ASSHOLES WHO ATTEND MUSIC FESTIVALS
OBJECTIVELY CORRECT LISTS
Festivals are, without question, the absolute worst fucking way to see live music. It’s always pouring with rain, you’re in the middle of some parking lot or field, you have to stand the distance of 52 football fields away from the stage, and the bands sound like they’re coming out of a 30-year-old boombox. But the worst part—worse than the £7 beers or the inevitable admission bracelet tanlines—is the people. Every single person who attends a music festival is a giant, raging asshole. And they all manage to fall into one of these categories…
CHIEF FUCKFACE
This shithead did not get the memo issued over the last several years that the trend of incorporating a Native American war bonnet into your all-neon-and-sleeveless festival outfit pisses a lot of people off. But in his well-reasoned defense: “Chill out, bro!” Don’t worry though, he will treat it with the reverence the headdress signifies by leaving it on the floor of the parking lot on the way out.
THE FASHION BLOGGER
Photos via this goddamn fashion blog
This Pinterest-obsessed fashionista always has a great time at the summer’s hottest music festivals despite spending weeks laboring over an outfit that will be covered in sweat and beer and whatever the fuck neon glitter is being sprayed at people within 20 minutes. But as long as she can get some Instagrams likes out of it, she’s done her self-appointed pretend job for the day. She has really tied her accessories of a thousand jangly metal bracelets, gigantic heart-shaped sunglasses, flower crown, and strappy shoes together with her very tiny tattoo of an abstract shape like a triangle or some shit on her wrist which apparently is symbolic somehow. Oh and also, she thinks there was music going on or something?
THE PARTY PHOTOGRAPHER
Are you a young, attractive person having a good time? This guy would like to capture your young, attractive good time and then sell it to a company who targets your key demo in their #youth #brand #marketing. But don’t let the looming sense of corporate profiteering make you self-conscious about having fun with your fellow carefree millennials, er, friends. Smile!
THE FRAT BRO
This pop-collared-soon-to-be-shirtless douchestick used all his vacation days from his internetship at Virgin Active and has been hitting the gym all winter and is ready to rage to some Outkast! Most of the things he’s wearing are salmon-colored and he really, really, really wants you to know how much money he makes and/or how often he goes to the gym.
THE ATTENTION WHORE
Even in a sea of 30,000 people, this fuckwad just has to stand out. He’s got to have a “thing” to make everyone notice and remember him. Maybe he’s wearing the green man suit or is dressed like Alan from The Hangover. Fuck this guy. He thrives on high fives. Do not give them to him.
Read the rest here.
“Every single person who attends a music festival is a giant, raging asshole” Dan Ozzi must attend all the music festivals and get his giant raging asshole torn open like a twink in a bear den!
The “every guy unless you have a boyfriend”:
You’re a human worth talking to/interacting with, until you let them know you’re in a monogamous relationship. He is only outdone by the “Does it really matter if he doesn’t know?” guy.
May also overlap with the drug-rapey guys category.
9) The reasonably attractive woman who was a friend of a friend of a friend who knows where she came from? But she was there from the near beginning of your plans to start a theme camp. Her speciality is decorating things, that’s her material contribution (literally). Her other speciality contribution is more immaterial – she flirts with every guy in camp (even the gay guys) until she finds someone horny enough to latch on to, preferably a guy near the top of the leadership. This is how she secures her place within the camp, so no one will challenge her bad behavior that will certainly come.
The first warning sign will be a blog post or a article penned for a local rag that draws unwanted attention… something about the camp’s drug use or the like; something not quite bad enough to get her kicked out of the camp directly, but it will force a meeting to question ‘What do we really know about her?’ … and in the interest of radical inclusion, she’ll get off with a verbal warning. Now she knows who wears the pants in the camp, usually a matriarch who contributes barely more than she does. She’ll warm to her and become BFF. Now it’s too late.
Then will come the confession after a few too many drinks about her mental issues. The standard ones: Depression, an eating disorder, severe insecurity, some past abuse, friends who betrayed her, and how she’s struggling to overcome all of these things. She’ll play the victim and the tears will flow. Now she has full-disclosure.
She’ll volunteer as the party planner because that’s what she wants to do for a living (she also wants to be magical goddess for a living). This will give her control over the invite list and control over who is invited and who isn’t invited to the camp’s events. She’ll let people on the outside know indirectly and directly that she decides who is ‘In’ and who is ‘Out’. They’ll kiss her ass for it. Now she’s climbing up the ladder. You should have kicked her out while you still had the chance.
Next year your camp will need to change its name.
Jeez, third one in a row. It gets better, man. You’ll get over her.
Excellent stories they all have characters I have seen in action, never been to BM, but I imagine there are many who fit, many who try to fit, and many who throw a fit.
The “Self-Appointed Festival Cultural Guardian:”
Snaps her neck reflexively at the sound of a Camera’s shutter click.
“Did you ASK?!”
Ride-by shouts at two women way hotter than her taking a photo with The Man in the background.
“Stop commercializing OUR culture!”
True stories BTW. The two girls mentioned above were sisters from my camp taking a personal photo.
oh that’s a good one.
Jeez, third one in a row. It gets better, man. You’ll get over her.
8) The trapeze artist who specializes in rope and fabric performance. Part of the general circus society. Just reached 30 or 32, and starting to feel the general strain of all those performances – the thousands of ONSs and many boyfriends, it was only a matter of time before she contracted herpes. Now she only tells guys about it after a few weeks and after they stop using condoms; after they’re hooked on her golden pussy. She’s smoking hot for her age, all that exercise make her look about 25, just young enough that no guy would suspect, now at 30+, she has the worst case of baby rabies on the planet. She WILL have a baby come out of her within the next 12 months. She went to Burning Man this year to find a sperm donor, someone with a decent sized wallet, good looks and enough height. She might even get married to him on Saturday night, she thinks, so she brought a thrift-store wedding dress just in case.
love it!
YIKES!! You could bring some of these stories out at Halloween, these are scary…. keep em coming, you are doing awesome.
Haha I love how “The Fashion Blogger” blog is a legit site with day by day coachella outfits! Lmao 👍👏👌
7) The dutiful boyfriend who spends thousands to bring his girlfriend to the playa, who has no time for anything other than making sure his girlfriend is comfortable and cared for. He doesn’t look the ‘burner’ part, but works tirelessly all week. Gets called out for not wearing a costume by some asshole in a tutu. Tries to calm his girlfriend down after forgetting the celery salt for the bloody marys. “Sorry honey, I’ll remember next year.” Serves frosty beers to his girlfriend’s new male friends who seem to be accumulating as the week progresses. He’s happy with the single hand-job on Thursday night, she says it’s almost like sex. He’s happy all day Friday into Saturday, feels triumphant because he finally shot a load at BRC. Girlfriend goes missing all day Saturday and into the night. She returns after the burn with 3 guys who she says are totally awesome and asks if there’s anymore cocaine left. “The gram we were saving for Sunday night, honey?” Yes. It’s okay, these are my friends. And after doing all his coke and drinking most of his booze, they wander off without him, only to arrive Sunday afternoon, asking if there’s any more bacon left and could he cook it for him. He cooks it for them.
hoorribleeeeeeeee magazine cover.. shame u guys mocking natives like that so disrespectful…
It’s “beck and call” not “beckon call”
Beck and who dat?
Another list of “types”
1) People set themselves up as The Organization in charge and create principles for everyone to follow (everyone except for themselves, their friends and people who pay them a lot of money). These people are running the biggest con of all. They convince 1000s of people to volunteer (work for no money) while they earn millions of extra Dollars of profit that should be paid to workers.
2) People who ignore all of the easily available information and advice and head out to the desert assuming someone else will take care of them just like they are taken care of everywhere in their coddled default reality.
3) People who view naive people attending an event as an opportunity to pull a scam, do a money grab, and then rationalize to everyone later that they did the best they could and it is all someone else’s fault, they were not really scamming, it is all a mistake, they have receipts and everything to prove it, they are a good person… who just happens to repeat this con over and over and over again at different gatherings year after year.
4) People who willing to work for free in exchange for a “title” and some authoritah over other people in a closed environment, and then they proceed to use and abuse that authoritah to boost their ego and imagined self importance, while somehow remaining clueless to the fact that they are pions, at the bottom of the food chain being abused so some other people (see #1) can make millions of Dollars on their efforts.
5) The very wealthy who view themselves as God’s anointed humans. They feel they are better than everyone else and “all those silly rules” only apply to lessor humans. They feel they can go anywhere they want, toss money at any issues and expect everyone else to be at there beckon call.
6) Outright thieves who view an environment where everyone is happy and having fun, getting buzzed and not paying much attention as the perfect place to steal. They know when big events are happening and this is when they they are busiest stealing. They know burn night is when not many are watching out and they grab as much as they steal.
7)
Yeah, they should send all of those attention whores out to the desert or something and make them whore out each other.