Who’s got it better than us? NOBODY! Well, some right now could make a claim for Baltimore…yeah right – have you ever seen The Wire? If not you must, it’s considered to be the greatest TV show ever created; it might not cast Baltimore in a very good light, but as a drama it certainly beats San Francisco’s equivalent, Nash Bridges featuring Don Johnson from Miami Vice and Cheech from Cheech and Chong…but, I digress. This post is about unicorns not
ravers ravens. Others, perhaps not in the Bay Area, could make a claim that who has it better than us is The Fucking Unicorns.
What’s a Unicorn? I’m reminded of the Virgin Airlines pre-flight safety briefing “for the 1 in a million of you who’ve never operated an aircraft seatbelt before…” If you were born yesterday, let me break down for you the Facts About Unicorns. A unicorn is a marvellous, mystical creature of hope and possibilities.
The earliest recorded mention in classical literature was circa 400 BC in Greece by Ctesias, a witchdoctor-cum-historian who studied ancient (in those times) Persia and India. The Romans knew of two species of them. Early Chinese mythology – like, 2600 BC early – talks of Virgins taming unicorns by suckling them. The word comes from ancient Hebrew, (unicorns are in the Bible…) best translated as “monoceros” – which is also a galactic constellation. Based on North Korea’s moves to harvest DNA from a recently discovered Unicorn Lair near Pyongyang, like some Sasquatch anomaly…perhaps they might not be quite so mythical after all, in today’s modern times of parahuman/animal/manbearpig–monkeying around with Nature’s Creations. Excelsior! For example, in the 17th century they found a unicorn skeleton in a Germany forest. And then a century later they found another one. This means there’s a chance we can bring this creature back to life just like the woolly mammoth and miniature aliens.
The only thing better than a unicorn is multiple unicorns. And they need to be fucking, because the world needs more unicorns. See, unicorns are like pandas – all cuteness, but little naughtiness. That’s not just my opinion – there is actual academic research on the Sexuality of Unicorns. Here’s a quote:
The unicorn is magic. It is fearless. It is a horse, a goat, a lion, a warrior, and a
companion. Its horn is a weapon and the most precious of all medicine. This creature is known to
live in an enchanted forest and tends to be the object of extreme desire. It has been hunted, loved,
and marveled over. Although unicorns are not considered part of the animal kingdom, they
possess these vivid qualities nonetheless. They have become an intricately woven myth with a
long history of transformation and interpretation. Something unique about these marvelous
creatures has contributed to their staying power in world mythology – and it has a lot to do with
their connection to the human being.
According to my gorgeous Mexican amiga Balls who painted the originals we’re showing here, the unicorn is actually an embodiment of an ancient Meso-potamian and Meso-American mythical creature. He has a big horn, because he goes around the universe ridding us of all the assholes. There sure is a shitload of assholes: therefore it’s imperative that unicorns must breed.
The Fucking Unicorns, a crew of Burners from Colorado, need our help, to bring their special brand of Playa loving back out to this year’s Burn. Good on them for getting their shit together early…just a reminder, the deadline for questionnaires to be submitted to BMOrg for art cars is May 15, art projects is June 19, and theme camp registrations is April 30. You’re already SOOL for an Art Grant…and you better create a Burner profile and register now for that if you want to even buy a ticket.
Last year these Fucking Unicorns brought the Imagination Machine – a double-rainbow unicorny thingy – to Burning Man and the Colorado Regional, Apogeea. Here’s what they have to say, in their own words (thanks Jill!)
Dear Friends of Burners.Me,
How are you? We think you’re swell. Also, you smell nice. Say…do you like unicorns? Do you also like rainbows? Who doesn’t, right? Hey…remember that rainbow art car last year, covered in clouds and humping unicorns? Guess who has two hooves and made that thing…The Fucking Unicorns! No really we did…and we’re working on getting “The Imagination Machine” back out to the playa so that we can play with you again. Wanna help?
What’s that you say? You don’t know who the Fucking Unicorns are?
Well…we’re a theme camp based primarily out of Colorado. We share a collective desire to add more life and color to the world. We are those people. The ones walking down the street wearing a little more pink, a lot more faux fur, and way more sparkles than might be considered decent. You know the type? Then we are your new best friends with whip cream and a cherry on top.
What now? You don’t know what the Imagination Machine is?
(Sigh) The Imagination Machine, our pride and joy of the past year, is a mobile double rainbow with 7000 programmable LEDs, unicorns, glowing clouds, an aerial rig, cuddle cave, dance platform, and one of the best views of the playa. What’s not to like, right?
Okay…now you remember. What’s that? Oh…what are we trying to do?
Jesh…so many questions. Okay, here’s the deal. We have a handful of repairs to make to our current vehicle and are working on purchasing a bigger and better vehicle to serve as the long term base for the Imagination Machine. We also have some cosmetic improvements we hope to make by August – like new lighting programs for the LEDs and brighter lighting for the clouds. In the long term, we’ve got some big ideas that include everything from a second aerial rig to new aerial apparatuses to ride-able carousel unicorns to crazy ground effects!
So you want to know what you can do to help, huh? Great question!!
First, check out our Kickstarter: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1554537122/the-imagination-machine-f-king-unicorn-art-car?ref=email
Then, consider donating or helping us spread the word by forwarding the link to your burner friends.
You Sir, are a god among men…a king among non-kings…a star among lesser magnitude stars. What’s that? Oh, you’re a woman. Sorry. That mustache is confusing…but it looks good on you. Shine on you hairy diamond and we will see you on the playa. Good talk Russ.
The Fucking Unicorns
If there’s one thing we and most other Burners can’t get enough of, it’s unicorns and double rainbows. Preferrably at the same time! Please support this project, and meanwhile enjoy our brief sampler of other Burner-related Unicorn activity…
“I wanna see you dry hump these hippies! Because that’s how unicorns express their love!” LOL
This has been one of my favorite posts to write so far. I learned a lot about unicorns, hope you did too. Please Like and Share. More Fucking Unicorns! Just go ahead and get horny and fuck already, will you?
[Update: 11:33pm] thanks to our friend, the always-ready-to-down-trow-but-you-can-leave-yer-hat-on-like-a-youporn-icon Burner Dispatch for reminding us of the Unicorn’s horny cousin, much more likely to breed in captivity or indeed elsewhere, the Moonicorn. This creature was rumored to be sighted in New York city, around the time of Hurricane Sandy and Robot Heart‘s On The Fucking Moon party…apparently a unicorn needed to get to the Moon for the party, and since unicorns can’t fly, it had to be the bastard child of a unicorn and a pegasus! Fortunately it’s magic wings were able to help it and its friends escape the Super-Storm. Don’t believe all the rumors, but definitely look out for that Moonicorn!