10 Ways to Get Laid at Burning Man

by Whatsblem the Pro

Let the Jubilee begin. (Image: Whatsblem the Pro)

Let the Jubilee begin. (Image: Whatsblem the Pro)

We have a lot of subscribers here at burners.me, and a lot of people come here via links at Facebook, BoingBoing, and other prominent places on the Web. . . but our traffic-monitoring data also shows rather a lot of folks getting here by searching Google for terms like “dirty naked burning man sluts,” “burning man awesome buttsecks,” or “sparkle pony fuckfest jubilee.”

There’s no sense in getting huffy about it; it’s no secret that Burning Man has a sexy reputation, and we have to expect a certain amount of voyeuristic interest from the general public as a result. In addition, we know that people preparing to visit Black Rock City for the very first time often have urgent, pressing questions regarding the way certain things are done out there on the playa.

Naturally, we want to serve our readers. . . so for all of you who have asked the question, rhetorical or not, we now present the top ten answers to “how do you get laid at Burning Man?”

1. Show up. Be awesome. Smile. Someone will figure the rest out for you.

2. Ask. If you don’t get a ‘yes,’ take ‘no’ for an answer and ask someone else. If you’ve already asked everyone else in Black Rock City with no luck, take the sure thing: go to First Camp and ask for anyone from the Board.

3. Bathe.

4. Be the only person within fifty feet who happens to have coke, K, molly, X, weed, cold beer, drinking water, shower access, and/or an air-conditioned RV to share.

5. Hang around outside of ATTOL looking wistful until some couple or group invites you to join them in the Orgy Dome.

6. Those entire neighborhoods behind Center Camp, out past Kidsville? The ones full of nondescript camps with lots of RVs, occupied by relatively normal-looking, mostly middle-aged people? They came to drink and fuck, and many of them are decidedly not normal even if they do buy their clothes at J.C. Penney’s.

7. Start your own theme camp with unique art, a great bar, incredible sound system, lighting effects up the yin, and an ‘ironic’/comedic theme based on sex with you. Call it SEX WITH ME CAMP so there’s no ambiguity about it. Lube up.

8. Build a time machine and pilot it to some bygone day before Burning Man started sucking. Depending on your tastes, find Bianca’s Smut Shack or Stiffy Lube, and dive right in. When you return to the present, bring me back a grilled cheese sandwich.

9. Tell absolutely everyone you know that you’re going to set the Man on fire early, then follow through in a way that will surely get you caught in the act. When you get to prison, tell everyone you meet exactly how you got there, and announce loudly that you don’t want any trouble. Enjoy the smorgasbord, you dog, and don’t forget to write a thank-you note to your good friends who went out of their way to help by bringing all their receipts to court with them.

10. Stop trying so hard. Look around you and just be in the moment. Enjoy the art and the good company and the party and the desert, and let things happen the way they happen for a little while. If you’re really that hard up, stop by the Mustang Ranch on your way back to Reno, and support the other arts. . . and tip generously.

38 comments on “10 Ways to Get Laid at Burning Man

  1. Might a person desire to pen a guest post on Consent, or Permission?

    Numerous women are most pissed in regards of festival bro douchebags not desiring to take a no for an answer, or similar rubbish. Burning Man is, at present, a sausage fest, of 60% men, and 40% women, my belief is of it is important to assist women in regards of consent, or permission, purposed for more women to desire to go to Burning Man.

    Other awesome festivals do not desire festival bro douchebags to attend their festivals. Symbiosis Gathering, Shambhala, and Lucidity festival, in a Sacred Spaces manner, are spirituality festivals, and discuss consent, or permission, and festival bros do not feel comfortable in regards of attending their festivals. The Further Future festival, by the awesome Robot Heart crew, is a classy EDM festival in the desert, solely 21 and over, and they desire an awesome vibe. Lightning in a Bottle, by the awesome DoLabs, desire festival bros not attend their festival, their festival is discussing of yoga, consent, and permission, my belief it is of 21 and over.

    At the least, festival bros have difficulty of attending Burning Man, in due of the dust, difficulty in obtaining tickets, and near to three, of four, people attending Burning Man have a university degree, and solely two, of three, people attending Burning Man state they are solely heterosexual. At the least, festival bros are of the ability to get laid at Comfort and Joy.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Listen for a cla-clink sound mixed with a rushing air sound intermingled with giggling. You’re in the right spot if this sound repeats itself frequently, and especially if you hear the words, “It’s my turn. Can I have some now?”

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  3. Bathe, hehehehe good one. Peopel used to not smell, do drugs, and many other things that were no nos on Zone Trips. Not saying it didnt occur but rarely were noticed.

    Like

  4. In the spirit of burning man I have an original copy of the pamphlet on how to get laid at burning man from 2002, which this article steals from, poorly, and I will gift it to to the highest donation

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: How To Get Laid At Burning Man 2.0 | Burners.Me: Me, Burners and The Man

  6. Or you could just do what most of the Un Attractive men do. Find the girl who is passed out or rolling really hard and then rape her.

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  7. as usual with life it helps not being an introvert, and if you are getting your hands on an extended supply of chemical that will temporarily alleviate that problem. unfortunately when i went many years ago i had lost mine to the playa…

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    • after the BORG went well out of its way to make sure it was a felony charge, and ruin his life- Paul Addis was an awesome human, and how he was treated after his prank, was appalling. I stopped volunteering after that year- The man had been corrupted

      Like

      • After they said “were not going to send him to prison” they have $75 an hour for volunteers on the invoice to pad the 30,00 dollar felony amount with a mandatory minimum….disgusting

        Liked by 1 person

  8. For someone who has never been — and is pretty gnorant (but whose grandchild is there), it sounds almost like going to Damascus (Syria). The Guardian (British Newspaper) reported some hours ago that someone observed: “I could see people coming out of their homes but they would fall down – there was foam coming out of their mouths.”
    This could be happening someplace at Burning Man too, no?

    Like

  9. Whenever my girlfriend and I are out hiking and come across a RV at the edge of a campground I always say, “These are the pervert campers. Beware of their friendly offer of wine and dinner!”

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    • Do you wipe these RVs off after you’ve come across them, Durian, or do you leave it for the sparkle ponies to lap up?

      Like

  10. #9, well put.

    #10 is the best. I would say “stop worrying about it and let it find you”…coz it’s certainly out there. And so’s plenty of other stuff even better than crusty dusty stranger sex.

    #4 is this what the 10th Principle of “gifting” is all about?

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    • Yes! In the same way that the 13th Step of a 12-Step program is about kicking booze, or in the same way that a book is about two hundred and fifty pages.

      Like

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