by Whatsblem the Pro
Kentucky Fried Camp, a group of mostly Kentuckians and San Franciscans originally from Kentucky, is a breakfast camp on the 3:00 Plaza whose gingham-clad crew of sixty souls serves fried baloney sandwiches with shots of bourbon, accompanied by compliments delivered via megaphone. KFC also holds an annual race in high heels known as the Whoreshoe Derby, and is planning a cotillion this year featuring Southern belles in electrically-illuminated hoop skirts.
Early this morning, their packed U-Haul truck was stolen, depriving the entire camp of critical gear for their stay on the playa.
“There has been an incredible outpouring of community support,” says Guy Shochat, a representative of the camp. “We already have a free loan of a Mutant Vehicle trailer, which we’ll need, since ours was attached when the truck was stolen. We’re very happy that the art car itself wasn’t on it at the time. We’ve been given a dome, some shade, tents, serving tables, and the equipment we’ll need to run our baloney kitchen. Cool Neon has kindly offered us EL wire at-cost, and a few burners have volunteered cash donations. We are hemorrhaging money buying new shade, water containers, and other necessary supplies. Sadly, our epic outhouse shower is gone, and we still need bicycles, air mattresses, costumes — waaaahh, lost costumes! — and hugs.”
Kentucky Fried Camp hasn’t just been deprived of the things they’ll need to take care of themselves on the playa, continues Shochat. “We give away ridiculous amounts of food and booze every year, without any fundraising. It all comes out of our pockets as internal contributions. This is the first time we’ve ever felt any need to ask for any kind of outside help at all. . . and I must say, the burners are coming through big for us so far. We are being kept very busy with the emergency purchase of things we need, as the money becomes available. Simple contributions like bikes and costumes delivered on playa will really help, and we will return them to you happily after the burn. We are picking up our custom smoked baloney now and breakfast will still happen!”
Shochat goes on to say that the response of the burner community so far has renewed his faith in humanity in general. “I went today from despondent to realizing that there are many more good people out there than bad,” he says with a twinkle in his eye.
The truck, which was parked in the East Bay area near San Francisco before it was apparently hot-wired and stolen, is a 17-foot U-Haul with an auto-transport trailer attached. The design on the side of the truck is U-Haul’s “Venture Across America” #107, which is based on Mississippi wildlife and features a picture of a Mississippi Sandhill Crane, a long-billed bird with a bright red head and white neck feathers. The truck bears Arizona license plate AB-89694.
“We’re struggling right now,” says Mick Jeffries, a compatriot of Shochat’s. “But people are rising to the occasion. Our biggest camp ever, over sixty people coming from both Kentucky and California, has lost everything. Any help spreading the word is most gratefully appreciated.”
If you spot the stolen truck, do not attempt to confront the occupants; assume they are armed and dangerous. Contact local law enforcement! If you tweet, you can also hashtag #KFCtheft to let the Kentucky Fried crew know that you’re on the case.
You can donate to the camp’s relief and make sure they’re out there serving up baloney and booze by sending your PayPal contribution to the KFC general fund at email@example.com.
dude, did i just read “go to a black area…” on this? great fucking show, john. BRC/burning man is already the whitest thing going, these days, but until now i’d never for a moment considered it could be bigotry. what exactly is a “black area”? have you ever been to oakland or the east bay? why should one go look in a “black area” for the stolen truck?
no fool would target burner trucks for theft. i’m sure the haul is much better from moving trucks at the end of a month (like, say, now) in general. we fill our trucks with crap, dusty bikes, broken things, stinky things. i’m sure uhauls are stolen all the time for the hopes that there is an entire house move inside – AV stuff, valuable possessions, grandma’s sterling silver, etc. it seems like a rash of thefts perhaps targeting “us” because we’re a community. if there was some global, connected community of “people moving house this month” then i’m sure there would be a visible constant stream of rental trucks being stolen. 11 months out of the year though, we all could give a shit about trucks being stolen.
also, uhaul is a horrible fucking disaster of a company. their trucks are overpriced and dangerously ill-maintained. sure, 19.95 for a rental but the highest per-mile cost in the industry. i’ll only get near a uhaul truck on the road when under duress, let alone actual get inside one of the things.
My truck got stollen from Oakland this morning too.
Discription. 2005 Chevy silverado 2500HD 4×4 Dark blue. Lic Plate # 8H11477
Just drive around Oakland, they probably dumped it when they realized it was filled with burner junk which has no street value.
I’m on the way to the playa so can’t contribute monetarily, but what do they need that I can buy on the way? If there’s something I can get at Wal-Mart or a liquor store for them, id like to know.
Interaction Cafe has also been victimized in Oakland – just called the POlice. My partner is roaming the streets and highways looking for a 17 foot U-haul with a white orchid plackard on the side and the license plate number AD28147 Az. This is tragic for our camp!
So sorry, Lynn. It seems Burners are being targeted by opportunists who have a place to take these trucks to. Much luck and best wishes… this is terrible news 🙁
Yo. Did you tell u-haul? Hahahahaha or do you own it? They sometimes have little devices in those things. GPS devices that can locate the car and turn it off or on.
Other than that….I guarantee you could find it if you drove around looking for it in shady areas. I know it. It didn’t disappear. Look behind stores. Like you see a Walmart…look behind the store.
You should contact the local news and have them do a story.
Go to a black area and don’t give away what you want or who you are.. Go to a convenient store and ask a black guy if he knows a mechanic. Say you have a van that is over heating. Do this in some areas. Say you are looking to buy a truck.
There…my work is done here.
Unless of course you want me to find it. $300 non refundable retainer and support. $300 if I find it.
Really? “go to a black area”? You, John, are a racist and opportunistic fool. Your comments have no value here.
As a former SF Bay Area resident, I have to warn all who venture there, don’t leave anything you value unprotected parked on the streets including yourself. My friend was robbed at gun point when visiting earlier in the summer. Things have changed, could be why I am living in Portland, OR
This just happened in the Marina tonight, a shoot-out, 5 shots. Oakland is the most dangerous place in California with 15 violent crimes per 1000 – a more than 1% chance that you’ll be victim of a violent crime. And yet, Oakland is actually nice, and safe, just maybe certain parts of town are less safe.
i Need 1 hard ticket for Burning Man please 4 pickup in Hollywood? call 323 601 7347
I have a Tandom bicycle that I can sell you guys for $200. Needs tires. 🙂