Who Nose Witch Assholes Are Going To Burning Man This Year?

Broke Ass-Stuart has a post on this very topic, which was actually written by Millionaire In Training Joe Kukura. If someone thinks Burning Man is training for how to be a millionaire, they could be studying for a long time. Money is verboten at the arts fest.

If you want to be a millionaire, “set thy purse to fattening” and start piling up the money. Partying for 8 days with the Louis XV Powdered Wig crew is expensive.

Here’s what a guy named Joe Kukura wrote at this other blog called Broke Ass Stuart:


Which Famous A**holes are Going to Burning Man This Year?

bmanasshole_headerNot going to Burning Man 2014? Congratulations! You will avoid the risk of personally encountering these a**holes. Many prominent a**holes from news, tech and entertainment have already articulated via social media or public commentary that they are inclined to attend the Burning Man festival in 2014. These famous people going to Burning Man will task out all of their costume, lodging plans and food prep to their personal assistants, pay tens of thousands to show up as plug-and-play attendees, and then force their personal assistants to sit home and take a week’s unpaid leave while the famous asshole in question parties it up at Burning Man. Who are these assholes? Let’s review the 2014 roster as we currently know it.

Technically, there is no way to know for sure which of these famous assholes will attend Burning Man 2014 a full month out from the event’s opening. Life happens. People can articulate a desire to attend Burning Man, but then life events, surprise weddings or other commitments can alter anyone’s calendar. But from social media commentary, public remarks and general histories of “going every year no matter what”, we can somewhat-accurately game out which of these assholes you would run the serious risk of running into at Burning Man 2014.

diddyP. Diddy (2014 Status: Probably Going) – Diddy is such an asshole that hewent to Burning Man last year and then came home and did a Fiat commercial based on Burning Man. (He said of the event “I’ll never be the same” on his Instagram and has no public appearances scheduled during Burning Man 2014). I actually attended the very Robot Heart sunrise event at which Diddy was present. The music sucked so much that even old school 90s music produced by Diddy would have been better.

I would rather hear Diddy at a party where Diddy was not there rather than not hear Diddy at a party where Diddy was there. But I’m probably the only person on earth who feels that way.

Sounds kind of trippy to me.

This guy:

Grover_NorquistGrover Norquist (2014 Status: Definitely Going) – Americans for Tax Reform president and asshole Republican lobbyist Grover Norquist said on Twitter Monday that he was attending Burning Man 2014. “Its official. Samah and I are off to “Burning Man” this year. Scratch one from the Bucket List”,Norquist tweeted. (Scare quotes around the event name? Asshole.) This will surely lead to a rash of conservative asshole analysis that interest in Burning Man correlates with a resurgence of interest in states’ rights, decreased regulation and resentment against the federal BLM.

‘Naked drug unicorn fuck-rave signals a return to core Republican values’. I bet you anything some conservative asshole actually writes that article within the next month.

LOL! That’s pretty funny.

Black Rock City, Nevada. Temporary Autonomous Tax Free Zone:

Mark Zuckerberg, Founder & CEO of Facebook, at the press confereMark Zuckerberg (2014 Status: Probably Going) – Asshole Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg made a cameo last year at Burning Man as well as the year before. It’s a fair bet that one of his wealthy asshole employees will badger him into briefly helicoptering in to Burning Man again in 2014. Also of note, the Ivy League assholes who sued claiming they invented Facebook were at Burning Man last year.

Google CEOs (2014 Status: Definitely Going) – These assholes are fresh off paying almost zero taxes on $22 billion in revenue. Oh, I’m sure they and Grover Norquist will have a good laugh over at that one out at Dustfish.

Current Google CEO Larry Page religiously attends Burning Man, as does co-founder Sergey Brin and former CEO Eric Schmidt. Expect to see all three assholes at Burning Man 2014.

Now we get a bit of RV-hating from the Broke Ass crew to mix the assholings up a bit:

xtranormalElon Musk (2014 Status: Maybe Going) – Tesla founder and CEO Elon Musk does not strike me as an asshole. But considering that he rents out 8 full-service RVs for his best friends and top salespeople at Burning Man, it’s reasonable to assume that the asshole-to-muggle ratio in that scenario is just off the charts.

The Versace Inheritees (2014 Status: Maybe Going) – Gazillionaire inheritee Francesca Versace is a burner, according to Du Jour, as are other born-on-third-base assholes Alexandra von Furstenberg and David de Rothschild.

David de Rothschild aka“Plastic Jesus” (is that his Playa name?) did at least sail across the Pacific on a raft made of plastic to raise awareness of the “trash islands” that are forming from our consumerist society leaving traces. He also tasted crack before coffee.

Next Catwoman draws the ire of the author, who’s more of a Star Wars fan:

hathawayAnne Hathaway (2014 Status: Probably Going) – Or as I call her, “Bitchy McDistant”. Ms. Hathaway flies into Burning Man on a private jet most years, and was spotted doing so again just this past year.

Is it unfair of me to call Anne Hathaway an asshole? I just don’t like her, based on some vague, personal subjective reasoning that I am not deep enough to explore therapeutically. Which brings us to our next asshole going to Burning Man…



And now, for the climax – the asshole di tutti assholi…

Me (2014 Status: Definitely Going) – I’m that asshole who calls other people assholes for going to Burning Man. I’m not even a famous asshole. These famous assholes, admittedly, are some of the most creative and motivated people alive. They don’t have time to build their own cupcake muffin carsbecause they’re busy and they generally have more important things to do. But I will squat alongside them on federally managed lands for a week and have “Star Wars”-themed parties together, and in a way that’s kind of a beautiful thing.

But it will probably be a more beautiful thing for you if you can avoid me and these assholes.

Read more at Broke Ass Stuart.

He cleverly places himself amongst the assholes, squatting, with his pitch of “radical togetherness of assholes”. Why the nose? Now we know.

Being famous doesn’t make you an asshole, but calling people you’ve never met assholes kind of does. Welcome to The Inclusion of The Radicals.


25 comments on “Who Nose Witch Assholes Are Going To Burning Man This Year?

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  10. There are 70,000+ people on the playa. Why does anyone care if 100 or 500 rich people fly in and stay in elegance created by others? Get over it. Move on. Or better yet, welcome these folks as you would anyone else.

  11. Every part of my being cringes when I hear “bucket list” and “burning man” in the same sentence. Because there’s an implication to the term that, beyond just wanting to do something before you die, you want to say you’ve done something before you die. The only thing worse than hearing those two things together, is grover norquist saying those things together. Ef me if I’m not being radically inclusive. I’m fine with all the other a-holes listed in this amusing article, because, as the writer suggested, they’re creative people, for the most part, trying to make a positive contribution to the world. But I’d be filled with immense joy if grover norquist were radically excluded from this country, actually, from this plane of existence. And if I fail to hold one of the ten principles, for a few exceptions, I can live myself. I recognize that this entire community isn’t comprised wholly of Marxist Shamanic Tree huggers, and I’ve no desire to homogenize the culture, but I have a loathing for this ringleader of selfishness that rivals Hunter Thompson ‘s hatred for Nixon. So, again, ef me if I wouldn’t want to radically include people like Dick Cheney in my annual pilgrimage, prowling around the Temple with their fangs out. They have bohemian grove, which is not on my bucket list. Let em all ef themselves in the woods and burn their own effigies. That’d be my preference, and that’s my two cents.

  12. Yesterday’s LA Times had an interesting article about yet another community where artists and other colorful people lived and is now after being ‘discovered’ is being gentrified. Out with the creative types that gave the community its vibe and in with high priced restaurants and shops.


    I’ve seen similar articles about Venice Beach and communities in SF.

    Same thing has happened to Burning Man. The dominant culture BM used to pretend was outside the event has consumed BM and sociologically rendered it meaningless. Of course those with money who have ‘discovered’ the event will wax rhapsodic about what a ‘transformative’ event it is, how it impacted them, and how it will change the world! In reality its all about ego and a bunch of rich assholes populating an event that was poorly overseen (that is if you care about values and less about money-that’s not the Borg obviously).

    • Good story, and comment. I am not in the camp that “gentrification=bad”, although I’m sure many Burners are. I find Oakland quite pleasant these days, compared to when I first went about 20 years ago. And I like that there are lots of trendy bars and restaurants in the Mission.
      You can’t stop gentrification with protests, so all the Poor Burners hating on the RV crowd that gifts them most of the art work and art cars and free drinks, should go start their own event. Burning Man is a rich people’s party now. Without people who literally have money to burn funding these art works, it would be a bunch of crusty Millenial hipsters in the desert, wondering who they can score some water and drugs off next.

      • I think the loss will ultimately be in creativity, spontaneity, hell raising, and rebelliousness. Sure there will be giant works that people will consider art but less and less will there be anything that challenges or stands apart from the status quo. And the status quo of a materialistic society hell bent on destroying the planet and raping it of its finite resources is not one I admire. Many if not the majority of the US wealthy find this an acceptable tradeoff as long as they can maintain their glutenous life style.

        In disagreement with you I think the event was much richer before it became a ‘rich people’s party’. Personally I’d prefer a little unpredictability, challenge, and risk-not always an environment where I feel safe and everything goes on schedule.. Something where I may be stretched and expanded. I’m not going to find in in a gentrified community and sadly no longer at BM.

  13. Wow! What a shitty closed minded ***hole You sound like! Isn’t Burning Man open to All? Just because you don’t like the opinions or lives of these so called ***holes, who want a Burning Man experience, doesn’t mean crap! It’s negative people like you who are embarrassing! Are you jealous because they have the ability to “fly in” and stay in nice RVs? Yes I’ve camped and wiped playa dust outa my ass for a week. I’ve also experience an RV.. neither one made me less or more deserving to be there.
    Why don’t YOU not go this year! Please!

      • I’ve read way too much negative shit lately about this.
        And No, I stopped resding before Ann Hathaway, because it was nauseating.
        So reading on… I still think it’s an crappy attitude, and in the attempt to include himself as an asshole, still doesn’t justify the scrutiny. (& I’m sure this is truly how he feels.)
        I’m just sick of the hypocrisy in the community. This will probably be my last year, and not cuz some rapper or republican is going. Because hes right about one thing, burners are the assholes.

  14. I wasn’t aware you were in charge, I guess your one of those more than everybody burners that’s decided it’s your club and you get to say who can be in the Burningman Club. There are lots of Assholes at burningman! And in my opinion you are one of them, anybody who gets a ticket can go. It’s OUR club and if you don’t like it go home and cry to your mom. Lol really, all inclusive means it open to all, get over yourself. Smile and have fun.

    • all inclusive means including what people write about Burning Man on the Internet, as I’m doing with this post which someone else wrote at another blog. I’m commenting on it, not preaching it.

    • Laurie, you state ‘anybody who gets a ticket can go. It’s OUR club’

      Burning Man is a crowd source party. Within the $380, or $440, or the scalped $650 of cash, paid towards Larry’s ticket, $0 is towards the awesome sound camps, $0 is towards the Esplanada camps, $1 is towards the awesome mutant vehicles, and solely $12 of each ticket is towards the awesome artists. Please state of what you have done towards the throwing of the party. Are you DPW, constructing the city, out upon the playa at present time?

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