Starbucks, Indiana, and the Ten Principles

Recently, pick-me-up powerhouse Starbucks made the news when CEO Howard Schultz announced that the company had been inspired by Burning Man to make the world a better place. Instead of just serving you a coffee and accepting a tip, their Baristas would engage their customers in a conversation about race. There would be no more “black coffee” or “white chocolate”, just “coffee” and “chocolate”.

#burntogether - or don't burn at all

#burntogether – or don’t burn at all

Now, it seems, BMOrg have seen the possibility to do something similar to address the other big social issue of our times: Radical Inclusion in Indiana.

“The only thing we sell at Burning Man is coffee”, said Chief Philosophy Officer Larry H. “That makes Burning Man the world’s biggest Starbucks. However, as the city with the smallest percentage of African American citizens in the United States, the conversation about race doesn’t feel like the best one for us to participate in. We looked at the percentages and asked, what are we the biggest city in America in? The answer was obvious: Black Rock City is by far the gayest city in the world”.

This is supported by Burning Man’s official census numbers, which put 16% of citizens as gay, a mere 17% identifying as heterosexual, and the rest in the category of “possibly, depends what drugs I’m on”.

The issue of gay rights has been historically on-mission for the newly minted charity, which recently moved its headquarters from San Francisco’s Tenderloin to the Castro District.

indiana

“Ever since Larry Harvey erected his first man in the desert while wearing a cowboy hat, Burning Man has been a flamboyant beacon for freedom in the LGBT world”, said Burning Man’s CEO Marian G. “Our values of Radical Self-Expression and Radical Inclusion are the perfect antidote to the intolerance of the people of Indiana. We welcome all members of the Village People, we have plenty of policemen and firemen with big hoses, feather head-dresses, feather boas, drag queens, and prominent politicians.”

larry harvey younger years

Larry after the first public erection in the desert

Grover got his freak on in classic Soviet Military Uniform

Grover got his freak on, wearing a classic Soviet Military Uniform with pink tie and lipstick

This year, LGBT issues will be front and center for all 70,000 Burners arriving in Black Rock City.

“For many years, our dedicated and hardworking gate staff have had to endure discrimination and suffering, by hurtful meanies calling them Gayte, as if that was funny”, said Minister of Propaganda Willy C. “Well, in classic Burning Man style, we have come up with something incredibly brilliant and, not that we would say so ourselves, visionary and world-changing. We’re going to put the Gay back in Gayte!”

Previously, first time visitors to Black Rock City, known as “virgins”, had to exit their vehicle, ring a bell, give a dusty hug to a crusty Burner who may or may not be naked, and then make dust angels. This year’s politically rebellious twist will ensure that all Gayte encounters are same sex-only. Want a hug from that naked dude with his shrivelled dick hanging out? Well, you’d better be a guy. Are you a glamorous sparkle pony in hotpants and pasties? Then Burning Man has a heavily tattooed bull dyke with your name on her pierced lips.

In keeping with the spirit of the protest, all dust angels must now be made face down. Even if you’re Denis Kucinich.

This type of hetero-normative behavior will no longer be tolerated at Burning Man

This type of hetero-normative behavior will no longer be tolerated at Burning Man

“Camp Only” rules will now be strictly enforced at Center Camp, so if you’re not camp enough, you won’t be served.

Taking inspiration from a previous successful art installation “Trojan Horse”, this year will see a 100 foot high double-penis condom installation named “Trojan Whores”. This will provide gay inspiration to all Burners, wherever in the carnival they find themselves, as well as educating children about safe sex.

Burning Man Project Director Jimmy T said “this year in solidarity with our beloved gay brothers in Indiana, we are going to change the nature of our camp to Plug Me-n-Play. Our Misters of Merriment will be scooped up into cages at the Folsom Street Fair and trained by our slavemasters to meet all the needs of our guests. For only $17,000 $ $20,000 per room, you can felch a tranny every day for breakfast”.

Larry sees a bright future in exporting Burner values to socially engineer troubled communities:

“The success we expect to have soon when we release this new development, which we have thought of ourselves after inviting the community to share ideas, will enable us to bring about world peace in anti-gay hotspots like Russia and the Middle East” 

Burners in San Francisco practicing for the Free Pussy Riot mission to Moscow

Brave Burners in San Francisco practicing for the Free Pussy Riot mission to Moscow

6 comments on “Starbucks, Indiana, and the Ten Principles

  1. I thought feather boas created MOOP and not allowed at Burningman. How is protesting Russia in SF brave by any stretch of the definition?

    Like

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