Who Nose Witch Assholes Are Going To Burning Man This Year?

Broke Ass-Stuart has a post on this very topic, which was actually written by Millionaire In Training Joe Kukura. If someone thinks Burning Man is training for how to be a millionaire, they could be studying for a long time. Money is verboten at the arts fest.

If you want to be a millionaire, “set thy purse to fattening” and start piling up the money. Partying for 8 days with the Louis XV Powdered Wig crew is expensive.

Here’s what a guy named Joe Kukura wrote at this other blog called Broke Ass Stuart:


Which Famous A**holes are Going to Burning Man This Year?

bmanasshole_headerNot going to Burning Man 2014? Congratulations! You will avoid the risk of personally encountering these a**holes. Many prominent a**holes from news, tech and entertainment have already articulated via social media or public commentary that they are inclined to attend the Burning Man festival in 2014. These famous people going to Burning Man will task out all of their costume, lodging plans and food prep to their personal assistants, pay tens of thousands to show up as plug-and-play attendees, and then force their personal assistants to sit home and take a week’s unpaid leave while the famous asshole in question parties it up at Burning Man. Who are these assholes? Let’s review the 2014 roster as we currently know it.

Technically, there is no way to know for sure which of these famous assholes will attend Burning Man 2014 a full month out from the event’s opening. Life happens. People can articulate a desire to attend Burning Man, but then life events, surprise weddings or other commitments can alter anyone’s calendar. But from social media commentary, public remarks and general histories of “going every year no matter what”, we can somewhat-accurately game out which of these assholes you would run the serious risk of running into at Burning Man 2014.

diddyP. Diddy (2014 Status: Probably Going) – Diddy is such an asshole that hewent to Burning Man last year and then came home and did a Fiat commercial based on Burning Man. (He said of the event “I’ll never be the same” on his Instagram and has no public appearances scheduled during Burning Man 2014). I actually attended the very Robot Heart sunrise event at which Diddy was present. The music sucked so much that even old school 90s music produced by Diddy would have been better.

I would rather hear Diddy at a party where Diddy was not there rather than not hear Diddy at a party where Diddy was there. But I’m probably the only person on earth who feels that way.

Sounds kind of trippy to me.

This guy:

Grover_NorquistGrover Norquist (2014 Status: Definitely Going) – Americans for Tax Reform president and asshole Republican lobbyist Grover Norquist said on Twitter Monday that he was attending Burning Man 2014. “Its official. Samah and I are off to “Burning Man” this year. Scratch one from the Bucket List”,Norquist tweeted. (Scare quotes around the event name? Asshole.) This will surely lead to a rash of conservative asshole analysis that interest in Burning Man correlates with a resurgence of interest in states’ rights, decreased regulation and resentment against the federal BLM.

‘Naked drug unicorn fuck-rave signals a return to core Republican values’. I bet you anything some conservative asshole actually writes that article within the next month.

LOL! That’s pretty funny.

Black Rock City, Nevada. Temporary Autonomous Tax Free Zone:

Mark Zuckerberg, Founder & CEO of Facebook, at the press confereMark Zuckerberg (2014 Status: Probably Going) – Asshole Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg made a cameo last year at Burning Man as well as the year before. It’s a fair bet that one of his wealthy asshole employees will badger him into briefly helicoptering in to Burning Man again in 2014. Also of note, the Ivy League assholes who sued claiming they invented Facebook were at Burning Man last year.

Google CEOs (2014 Status: Definitely Going) – These assholes are fresh off paying almost zero taxes on $22 billion in revenue. Oh, I’m sure they and Grover Norquist will have a good laugh over at that one out at Dustfish.

Current Google CEO Larry Page religiously attends Burning Man, as does co-founder Sergey Brin and former CEO Eric Schmidt. Expect to see all three assholes at Burning Man 2014.

Now we get a bit of RV-hating from the Broke Ass crew to mix the assholings up a bit:

xtranormalElon Musk (2014 Status: Maybe Going) – Tesla founder and CEO Elon Musk does not strike me as an asshole. But considering that he rents out 8 full-service RVs for his best friends and top salespeople at Burning Man, it’s reasonable to assume that the asshole-to-muggle ratio in that scenario is just off the charts.

The Versace Inheritees (2014 Status: Maybe Going) – Gazillionaire inheritee Francesca Versace is a burner, according to Du Jour, as are other born-on-third-base assholes Alexandra von Furstenberg and David de Rothschild.

David de Rothschild aka“Plastic Jesus” (is that his Playa name?) did at least sail across the Pacific on a raft made of plastic to raise awareness of the “trash islands” that are forming from our consumerist society leaving traces. He also tasted crack before coffee.

Next Catwoman draws the ire of the author, who’s more of a Star Wars fan:

hathawayAnne Hathaway (2014 Status: Probably Going) – Or as I call her, “Bitchy McDistant”. Ms. Hathaway flies into Burning Man on a private jet most years, and was spotted doing so again just this past year.

Is it unfair of me to call Anne Hathaway an asshole? I just don’t like her, based on some vague, personal subjective reasoning that I am not deep enough to explore therapeutically. Which brings us to our next asshole going to Burning Man…



And now, for the climax – the asshole di tutti assholi…

Me (2014 Status: Definitely Going) – I’m that asshole who calls other people assholes for going to Burning Man. I’m not even a famous asshole. These famous assholes, admittedly, are some of the most creative and motivated people alive. They don’t have time to build their own cupcake muffin carsbecause they’re busy and they generally have more important things to do. But I will squat alongside them on federally managed lands for a week and have “Star Wars”-themed parties together, and in a way that’s kind of a beautiful thing.

But it will probably be a more beautiful thing for you if you can avoid me and these assholes.

Read more at Broke Ass Stuart.

He cleverly places himself amongst the assholes, squatting, with his pitch of “radical togetherness of assholes”. Why the nose? Now we know.

Being famous doesn’t make you an asshole, but calling people you’ve never met assholes kind of does. Welcome to The Inclusion of The Radicals.


DJs Coming Clean: Steve Aoki not a real DJ?

No surprises here. And Aoki is by no means the only DJ these days who “phones it in” from a USB stick or their laptop. However, his “let them eat cake” thing is very Marie Antoinette – more LA than SF or Reno.

evolution of a dj

The source, “wunderground.ie“, might not be the most reputable on the Internet. Recently they reported on the discovery of evidence of EDM at a Stone Age archaeological dig. As always Burners, make up your own minds…

aoki diddyFans of US “DJ” Steve Aoki are in a state of shock after it emerged that Mr. Aoki is in fact a performance artist who has been engaged in a finely orchestrated and prolonged performance art piece that has encapsulated every aspect of his life.

The news emerged after it was revealed that Mr. Aoki has been awarded with a Special Achievement Award from the American Council of Performing Arts (A.C.P.A.) for the project which has taken up almost the entirety of Mr. Aoki’s adult life.

Speaking for the first time about the revelations, Mr. Aoki, pictured receiving his award from professional egoist, Kanye West, sought to explain the motivation behind the project.

“I wanted to explore the fickle nature of popular music fads by devising a public and onstage persona that could push the bounds of ridiculous behaviour to an extreme and still manage to get away with it.”

“For me it’s about trying to be as absurd and laughable as possible without any of the audience being aware of, or being willfully ignorant of, the sheer absurdity of what they’re witnessing. The EDM explosion for me was the perfect vehicle to explore that idea because it seemed like that audience were capable of mindlessly accepting the most crass gimmicks and personalities,” explained Aoki.

“The show and my life as “DJ” Steve Aoki has evolved over the years, ” he explained. “I’ve had to live every waking moment as this guy without ever breaking character. That’s always been the toughest part, seeing myself become this clown and never being able to say ‘Hey guys, it’s not real’.”

“I kept adding more and more unnecessary vulgarity to the show, bright flashing lights, topless performances, silly hair, Indian headdresses, trampolines. I kept thinking that at any moment people would realise that this was no longer dance music but that it was an absurdist pantomine and the game would be up. But no-one has ever even suspected.”

“Even when I started throwing cake into the audience, which I intended as a not-so-subtle reference to the circus that my show had become, the audience just lapped it up. No-one thought to themselves ‘Oh look, he’s started throwing cakes into people’s faces like a fucking clown, surely this can’t be legitimate dance music?’.

Spokesman for the A.C.P.A., Arnold Trumball, described his admiration for Aoki’s project, “It’s a tour-de-force in method acting. He’s been living as this consciously asinine DJ for the last 15 years without ever breaking character. Can you imagine living every waking moment as the DJ character Steve Aoki? Churning out shit track after shit track. Attending shit gig after shit gig?” questioned Trumball. “Not being able to hold your hands up to even your closest friends and admit ‘my career as a DJ is an absurd joke’. That’s real dedication to your art.”

For real Burning Man dance music, see our links to 161+ sets here.

[Update]: for Burners that can’t figure out their funny bone from their asshole, USA Today breaks it down with an in-depth scoop.
And DJ A-O-K himself hits back at the haters with a radically inclusive response :

LOL!! Did you got fooled by this fake “story” on Wunderground.ie?

My crew and I had a good laugh about it when it was first posted (more at how bad the joke was than it actually being funny), but unfortunately some of my fans thought it was real.

I want to make sure my fans understand that this piece is in fact a parody. And I’m stressing the word parody here: any humorous, satirical, or burlesque imitation, as of a person, event.

Wundeground.ie. said it best in their response to the cease & desist letter from David Guetta’s laywers: “Wunderground is a satirical dance music website that never deals in actual factual statements or events, but instead pokes fun at the dance music community through the medium of comedy.”

So to set the record straight for my fans.

· I never said any of this and these quotes are completely untrue. Dance music is my love, is my passion, is my life. I live for my fans and I take my art very seriously.
· I’d hate for any up-and-coming artists to see this post, take it to heart and believe it has any shred of truth or legitimacy. Dance music is a serious art form and we’ve been working very hard as an international community to push our voice and message to the masses.
· This story does the opposite and in no way should my fans believe it to be true at all. I love you all very much and you’re the reason why I do this for a living. You’re the reason why I push myself to become a better artist and performer and continue to take my show to a higher level.

So Wunderground, nice try, but you’re no Onion. Take a note from the masters and step up your game: http://popwatch.ew.com/2013/08/29/the-onion-greatest-headlines/.