Snakes on a Playa

by Whatsblem the Pro

Burning Man 2013 has come and gone. . . and no, Daft Punk didn’t play a surprise gig at the trash fence, nor do they have one planned for 2014 (that we know of).

Playa rumors abound every year, some of them less completely unfounded than others. Some of them are just plain silly; some seem tantalizingly possible; maybe one day Daft Punk will decide to make the rumor come true, and all the jaded wiseguy eye-rollers will miss out on the show. Once in a while, one of them turns out to be perfectly true, even if it’s exaggerated, blown out of proportion, or comes true as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Without commentary, presents a partial list of the scuttlebutt, hoopla, fact, and foofaraw that confounded and amused thousands at Burning Man 2013.

  • The cast of Jersey Shore was spotted dancing at Disorient.
  • Larry Harvey is in negotiations to sell Burning Man to Disney.
  • There will be three feet of standing water on the playa when Gate opens.
  • The “This One Goes to Eleven” referendum will be voted on at a meeting in the Center Camp Cafe on Wednesday of the event. The Ten Principles are slated for revision. Please submit your proposed Eleventh Principle to before midnight tonight.
  • Westboro Baptist will be on hand to protest Burning Man.
  • Bicycles are banned from the event.
  • Paris Hilton and P-Diddy are coming! Paris will be staying at the Orgy Dome, and P-Diddy has taken the playa name ‘P-Funnel’ for the duration.
  • Black Rock City will feature a fully-operational subway system this year.
  • DPW is planning a general strike to protest the presence of police officers on the playa.
  • The event was oversold by 20,000 tickets; latecomers should expect delays as a one-car-out, one-car-in policy is enforced.
  • Larry Harvey has new teeth.
  • Ben Affleck will prepare for his role as Batman by rappelling from the Man just before the burn.
  • DPW workers are teaming up with the Pershing County Sheriff to collect random greywater samples from evap ponds around Black Rock City in order to obtain DNA and data on illegal drug use.
  • Taco Bell shot a commercial on the playa this year.
  • All the odd-numbered streets in Black Rock City are one-way.
  • A DPW truck that arrived on the playa a month ago turned out to be carrying a pregnant female rattlesnake, which escaped. The babies have since reproduced in turn, leaving the playa infested with rattlesnakes. The snakes enjoy cool dark confined spaces, like the insides of boots, tents, and art pieces.
  • In an attempt to keep Burning Man from turning into a cult (and to get rid of some of the rattlesnakes), the Temple will be burned early. There will be no official announcement.
  • Burning Man is canceled!

Heard any good ones lately?