Monthly Archives: April 2013

Apr 16 2013

10 Ways to Get Laid at Burning Man

by Whatsblem the Pro

Let the Jubilee begin. (Image: Whatsblem the Pro)

Let the Jubilee begin. (Image: Whatsblem the Pro)

We have a lot of subscribers here at burners.me, and a lot of people come here via links at Facebook, BoingBoing, and other prominent places on the Web. . . but our traffic-monitoring data also shows rather a lot of folks getting here by searching Google for terms like “dirty naked burning man sluts,” “burning man awesome buttsecks,” or “sparkle pony fuckfest jubilee.”

There’s no sense in getting huffy about it; it’s no secret that Burning Man has a sexy reputation, and we have to expect a certain amount of voyeuristic interest from the general public as a result. In addition, we know that people preparing to visit Black Rock City for the very first time often have urgent, pressing questions regarding the way certain things are done out there on the playa.

Naturally, we want to serve our readers. . . so for all of you who have asked the question, rhetorical or not, we now present the top ten answers to “how do you get laid at Burning Man?”

1. Show up. Be awesome. Smile. Someone will figure the rest out for you.

2. Ask. If you don’t get a ‘yes,’ take ‘no’ for an answer and ask someone else. If you’ve already asked everyone else in Black Rock City with no luck, take the sure thing: go to First Camp and ask for anyone from the Board.

3. Bathe.

4. Be the only person within fifty feet who happens to have coke, K, molly, X, weed, cold beer, drinking water, shower access, and/or an air-conditioned RV to share.

5. Hang around outside of ATTOL looking wistful until some couple or group invites you to join them in the Orgy Dome.

6. Those entire neighborhoods behind Center Camp, out past Kidsville? The ones full of nondescript camps with lots of RVs, occupied by relatively normal-looking, mostly middle-aged people? They came to drink and fuck, and many of them are decidedly not normal even if they do buy their clothes at J.C. Penney’s.

7. Start your own theme camp with unique art, a great bar, incredible sound system, lighting effects up the yin, and an ‘ironic’/comedic theme based on sex with you. Call it SEX WITH ME CAMP so there’s no ambiguity about it. Lube up.

8. Build a time machine and pilot it to some bygone day before Burning Man started sucking. Depending on your tastes, find Bianca’s Smut Shack or Stiffy Lube, and dive right in. When you return to the present, bring me back a grilled cheese sandwich.

9. Tell absolutely everyone you know that you’re going to set the Man on fire early, then follow through in a way that will surely get you caught in the act. When you get to prison, tell everyone you meet exactly how you got there, and announce loudly that you don’t want any trouble. Enjoy the smorgasbord, you dog, and don’t forget to write a thank-you note to your good friends who went out of their way to help by bringing all their receipts to court with them.

10. Stop trying so hard. Look around you and just be in the moment. Enjoy the art and the good company and the party and the desert, and let things happen the way they happen for a little while. If you’re really that hard up, stop by the Mustang Ranch on your way back to Reno, and support the other arts. . . and tip generously.

Apr 15 2013

Spring: In the Air, and on FIRE

by Whatsblem the Pro

Mr. President, we must not allow a trebuchet gap!

Mr. President, we must not allow a trebuchet gap!

Have you ever wanted to set something on fire and fling it straight to Hell with a trebuchet, then set the trebuchet on fire and dance your crazy ass off?

I know, stupid question. We all have. It’s a universal dream, held in common by all humanity, everywhere.

If you haven’t yet managed to make that dream come true for yourself, Spring Fling is for you. They’ve got the trebuchet, they know the secret of making fire, they’ve got Opulent Temple, Dancetronauts, and Digital Apex personnel to play the special music for you. All they need is your crazy dancing ass, and the world can finally end happily. . . and it’s free!

It seems like new burner events are popping up everywhere lately, like mushrooms. . . and pretty much everyone agrees: that’s a good thing. As a culture, we need to spread and grow. We need to find opportunities to preserve and evolve our more radical artistic and recreational tendencies, and get ourselves out from under the thumb of the corporation that runs Burning Man. Regional events, sanctioned or unsanctioned, are the scaffolding that makes that happen.

To that end, from April 26th to 28th the Mojave Desert fifteen miles outside of Barstow will come alive with lights, beats, poi spinning/fire dancing, pyrotechnics, whatever amazing talents and gear you bring with you, and a sky full of high-velocity objects of your choice zooming devil-may-care to a fiery doom. “Bring your tools,” exhorts the website for the event. “Bring your hard hats. Bring your party pants.” Bring that inanimate object you hate, too, for the trebuchet.

You’ll also get an opportunity to learn something about meteorite hunting, and maybe even find a meteorite or two of your own. The dry lake bed where Spring Fling is being held is prime territory for meteorite hunters, and you’ll undoubtedly witness some innovative techniques for finding them.

Due to the site being private property (though it is adjacent to BLM land), Spring Fling has some unusual restrictions – no glass is allowed, for instance – but for the most part, this decommodified leave-no-trace event will be free of the rules and restrictions that prevail in Black Rock City. The judicious reader will appreciate the depth and quality of that freedom when I mention that you must sign a liability waiver to attend, which legally speaking is a lot less laughable than the somewhat less than binding ‘contract’ we see on the backs of Burning Man tickets. Spring Fling isn’t going to be total anarchy, but it will definitely be potentially fatal in a good way.

Attention, meteorites: You can run, but you can't hide.

Attention, meteorites: You can run, but you can’t hide.

Here’s the events schedule for Spring Fling 2013:

FRIDAY

Friday night we will hold a large bonfire at Center Plaza. There will be music and the Beer Garden will be open (the Beer Garden is free, however there is a two beer limit).

A smaller trebuchet will be launching whatever you bring to launch, up to fifteen pounds.

The entertainment tent will have some stupid movie playing, and there will be popcorn available. Bring your own chair.

SATURDAY

During the day the Beer Garden will be open, body painting will be offered, and a geologist will be leading hikes for meteorite hunters. Several camps will have music playing and other attractions.

All Day: Trebuchet building will start early; please bring your tools and hardhat. Yes, a hardhat is required. We will have the main frames already assembled. The goal is to have it completed by 3PM and a test firing at 4:00 PM.

9:30 AM – 10:30 AM: Coyote Dirt Pancake Breakfast. Join us at Center Plaza for some warm pancakes.

11:00 AM – 1:00 PM: Mud wrestling competition will take place. Winner will be the second to launch the large trebuchet. Showers will be available for you to clean up.

1:00 PM – 2:00 PM: The 3K Coyote Run. Try our obstacle course and see if you can make it to the finish line. Mud, fire, Sand People, coyotes, beer/soda, water. . . and hopefully more Sand People. Winner will be third to launch the large trebuchet. Showers will be available for you to clean up.

1:00 PM – 2:00 PM: Ultimate Animal Costume Dodge Ball. Bring your animal costume or paint your body to look like some sort of animal. Last person standing will be fourth to launch the trebuchet.

2:30 PM – 3:30 PM: Burning Man Lessons. Come and learn about Burning Man and how to prepare and participate in this epic journey. Hear from experienced burners and let them teach you how to prepare, setup camp, what to bring, the do’s and don’ts of Burning Man, and anything else you want to know.

3:30 PM – 5:30 PM: Fire poi dancing lessons. Want to learn how to dance with fire? Come to this event and learn the art of fire poi dancing. Our instructors will teach you the basic skills and equipment needed.

4:00 PM: Listen for the horn, bell or some other large noise. The practice launch will be underway.

3:30 PM – 5:30 PM: Beer Pong/Quarters Tournament. We will teach you how to play Beer Pong with the big dogs. This a 21-and-over activity; wristbands will be checked.

4:00 PM – 5:30 PM: Communal camp clean-up. Please join us in preparing the large trebuchet for launching and general camp cleanup. We will do a general camp cleanup and prepare the area around the trebuchet for the burn. This will be a communal effort so please come.

5:30 PM – 6:30 PM: Fire display and show. You won’t want to miss this.

6:30 PM: Join us in the plaza for the Memory Launch. During the day a hay bale will be available to which you can affix a note, photos of loved ones, etc. . . anything you would like to symbolically fling away or give a special ride. This launch will be one of sorrows, pains and joys. Once the hay bale has burned to ashes, the party will begin.

After the Memory Launch, we’ll have a fire show and start launching other things with the big trebuchet. When the moon rises above the mountains around 10:00 PM, we will burn the trebuchet to the ground with a fireworks show to celebrate the event.

SUNDAY

The gate will open at 8:00 AM and you can leave at that time. We’re asking for volunteers to help break the large tents down and load them on the big truck. Please clean up your camping area and haul all your trash out.

For more information, check the Spring Fling website, or the Facebook page for the event.

Apr 11 2013

Black Rock, Red Earth: Burning Man in Australia

by Whatsblem the Pro

A typical Aussie, hanging onto the Earth by his toes

A typical Aussie, hanging onto the Earth by his toes

  In 2009, a small gathering of about thirty people came together in Bellingen, New South Wales, Australia, to have an informal burn of their own. It went so well that it became an actual event in 2010, with over four hundred in attendance. Burning Seed was born, and with it Red Earth City.

  The event was moved to Matong State Forest, NSW in 2011, and it just keeps getting bigger, with over 600 burners making the trek in 2012, and considerably more than that expected this year. The site lies nestled in a forest of Cyprus pine and gum trees in the middle of the Riverina District of New South Wales, a huge agricultural center featuring vast expanses of lightly rolling pasture.

  I was privileged to work with some of Burning Seed’s prime movers on an art project in Reno back in 2012, so when the shadowy cabal of grossly amoral alien oligarchs that controls Burners.me from behind the scenes (exposé coming soon!) commanded me to investigate this new wonder down under or suffer their reptilian wrath, I cowered and tugged my forelock respectfully. . . and then I got in touch with Bradley “Big Deal” Ogden, head of Burning Seed’s Department of Planning and Infrastructure (DPI).

Bradley "Big Deal" Ogden, head of the down-under DPW

Bradley “Big Deal” Ogden, head of the down-under DPW

WHATSBLEM THE PRO Hey, Big Deal.

So tell me: what’s your role with Burning Seed, and how did you discover Burning Man?

BRADLEY “BIG DEAL” OGDEN I run the DPI (Department of Planning and Infrastructure), which is our version of Black Rock’s DPW. I work with different teams to deliver the town plan (we’re still a town, not a city yet), and all of the town’s infrastructure – marquees, generators, toilets, etc. – everything that’s not the Temple or the Effigy.

I was planning a trip to America in 2009, and a friend told me to go to Burning Man. “Trust me,” she said, “you’ll love it!” I trusted her, and I loved it.

WHATSBLEM THE PRO How big is your DPI crew?

BRADLEY “BIG DEAL” OGDEN The DPI is just four people pre-event, and two during the event.

WHATSBLEM THE PRO Aside from being that much smaller and on different terrain, how does Burning Seed differ from Burning Man?

BRADLEY “BIG DEAL” OGDEN There are lots of the same things going on, but as you say: on a much smaller scale. It’s a lot more tight-knit than Burning Man. . . you can really feel the community. We have all types there, with healthy participation of locals from the immediate surrounding area, along with the people who show up from all over Australia, New Zealand, and the world.

I must say, the quality of what is going on, for a small event, is just amazing. . . slick theme camps, great art, and this year we’ll see our first fleet of art cars!

WHATSBLEM THE PRO How do you apply the ten principles differently?

Burning Seed's Effigy loves you this much

Burning Seed’s Effigy loves you this much

OUT OF STOCK ON ITEM #8347 (PAUL HOGAN JOKE)

OUT OF STOCK ON ITEM #8347 (PAUL HOGAN JOKE)

BRADLEY “BIG DEAL” OGDEN We try to apply them in much the same way, actually.

WHATSBLEM THE PRO What kind of arrangements do you have to make with the authorities? Are you harassed by law enforcement? Do they even have a presence at your event?

BRADLEY “BIG DEAL” OGDEN Arrangements are made with the New South Wales State Forestry Department for use of the land. They’ve been hugely supportive of the event over the last three years, as has the local community.

Being in a State Forest and surrounded by farmland poses a few problems for us, namely fire hazards. Australia is very prone to bush fires; in fact, a lot of our native flora relies on it to reproduce. . . so we’re lighting up a 12.5-meter effigy in the middle of a tinder box. We work closely with the RFS (Rural Fire Service) and State Forestry to keep the risk down. I bought a fire truck this year, which will act as Red Earth Fire and Rescue’s first unit.

As for law enforcement, we have a minor police presence; two or three officers who just pop in and out over the course of the weekend. They also are supportive of the event!

All the burn, none of the dust

All the burn, none of the dust

WHATSBLEM THE PRO Who handles the money, and where does it go?

BRADLEY “BIG DEAL” OGDEN Phil Smart and Jodi Rivet handle the money, which all goes back into the festival. The financial info is made public everywhere; we donate some money to the local school every year, as well.

WHATSBLEM THE PRO How have things changed at your event since you began? What are the goals for the future?

BRADLEY “BIG DEAL” OGDEN Our internal organizational structure and processes have evolved remarkably quickly, and by leaps and bounds; our overall group of Team Leads has grown, in people and experience; event attendance has blossomed and continues to grow rapidly.

For the future, we’d simply like to stay on the track we’re on, and get bigger and better. Personally, I’d like to see this become one of the world’s great burns in the next five years. I think we have the right ingredients here, and more and more people come out of the woodwork to join us every year. It’s exciting times; we’re expecting 800 or more this year.

Seeing more collaboration in future between burner groups in Australia and New Zealand would be awesome too, both at our respective burns and in Nevada. That’s already starting to happen; I went over for KiwiBurn to work last year, and we had three of them over for Burning Seed in 2012. Two of us went back for KiwiBurn 2013.

WHATSBLEM THE PRO Tell me about the differences between Burning Seed and Kiwiburn

BRADLEY “BIG DEAL” OGDEN The differences between Burning Seed and KiwiBurn? [laughs]

Do I have to answer that one?

WHATSBLEM THE PRO You do now!

Dance party with Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, and Bruce

Dance party with Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, and Bruce

FACT: Australians also have asses, much like our own

FACT: Australians also have asses, much like our own

BRADLEY “BIG DEAL” OGDEN They’re two entirely different festivals, almost. Not totally, but the vibe is a lot different. There are lots more student/hippie types at KiwiBurn, and we’re a bit more Mad Max. I think our theme camps are better. . . much better, in fact. The crew on both sides of the ditch are awesome, though. So basically, we have fewer hippies here in Australia, although they’re still there.

WHATSBLEM THE PRO I wish I could make it! Maybe I could sell a kidney or kidnap an heiress or something for the airfare.

BRADLEY “BIG DEAL” OGDEN Yeah, who needs two? You’d be welcome, mate, come on down and we’ll find something for you to do.

Burning Seed 2013 will be taking place October 2nd to October 8th this year. First-tier tickets are going for AU$125, and full-priced tickets for AU$165 ($131.81 and $174 in U.S. dollars, respectively).